Mea Culpa
by Without-Reason-Without-Rhyme
Summary: Santana left Lima on the stroke of midnight, she threw everything into a suitcase and was gone. But why?  Angsty. Other Glee characters will be mentioned along the way.
1. Chapter 1

Mea Culpa

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters. **

****A/N: For the purpose of this ff Santana is in North Philadelphia which as I understand it to be is not the friendliest of places. If I get some of the Geography wrong then my sincerest apologies.****

Santana pushed her hands deeper into her pockets in an attempt to keep them warm. She wandered aimlessly down broken streets; windows cracked and smashed allowing the cold Philadelphia air in, blustering mercilessly in a building that was never intended to be a crack house. It was starting to get dark now, and she knew she shouldn't be out here for much longer, but suddenly she couldn't push herself any further.

Her legs felt like they were made of stone, stuck in one place unable to carry on. The rubbish in the streets was slowly being dusted with the snow that fell in light breaths from the sky. The moon was licking at the edges of the buildings, and somehow, even under the cover of night you could tell it was a desolate place.

This was the place Santana had come to get lost. She buried her chin into the upturned lapels of her jacket, and forged forward as she became increasingly aware of the silence. That silence was heavy in the air, clinging desperately to the shadows making everything sinister – and broken. It was all broken.

If she could've she would have slipped out of her skin. She would've taken all the feelings from her soul just like sucking the marrow from bones. She wasn't sure how she felt anymore; she couldn't recognise this person she had become. She was a mere whisper of who she used to be.

She continued to walk steadily now, her breath forming a mist in the air as the snow fell down heavier and heavier. On the corner, a group of kids had gathered, spraying gang tags onto the walls safe in the knowledge that only witnesses were Santana and the buildings. The cables that ran from pole to pole started to droop beneath the weight of the snow and Santana was sure that would mean there would be no electricity tonight.

The trees stood, worn and bare as Santana passed them turning onto Ogden Street, it was home to her now. It had been for a year. It was such a far cry from where she used to be, but, as far as Santana was concerned it was a reflection of her.

It is who she is now, and where she belongs. She can stay lost here, anonymous.

Just the way she wanted it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Mea Culpa : Certes.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters. **

****A/N: I am a night owl, and I barely sleep, so I'm looking to update this ff regularly. I am estimating it to be around the 20/22 chapters mark and as I get more in depth into the story the chapters will get longer. Out of curiosity, do any songs spring to mind when reading this? There is one song that I have been listening to on repeat whilst writing. So guess it!****

As Santana walked up to the front door of the block of flats, her key clasped in hand she wondered if this would be her life forever.

She worked in a bar just on 18th Street, that had a sky lounge and you could look out across Philadelphia itself. Individually, the buildings were aged and withering away, but collectively with the lights twinkling from windows and cars passing by it looked almost beautiful en mass. It was like a patchwork of colour and size, a giant jigsaw that somehow was put together and fitted. The only part that Santana hated about travelling there was using the subway. Any kind of public transport made her uneasy, but she dealt with it; just like so many other things that she had dealt with in her life.

So would this be her life? She pondered; she kind of liked the isolation. It made a change from Quinn turning up at all hours, demanding to be let in and then cry on Santana's shoulder. Santana wasn't the best person to go to for comfort; she just didn't know how to deal with tears and hurt. Now none of them knew where she was. She was anonymous, faceless just another nobody on the streets of Philly.

As she walked up the stairs to the second floor, she played with her keys absentmindedly. It was only when she neared her door that she realised someone was standing outside her door.

She didn't need the girl to turn around to know who it was, from any angle she would always be able to tell who it was.

Brittany.

"Leave." Santana said it quietly, as Brittany turned around slowly.

"Santana please?" Her eyes pleaded with Santana's own, but it didn't work anymore. Santana had grown up and felt the harsh slap of reality.

"Leave here now and don't come back." Santana said it through her teeth, her jaw was visibly tensed. It made Brittany _fear_ her.

Santana's key was pressed into her palm so tightly that the jagged edge began feeling like a hot knife, and she was sure it would leave an imprint. The veins on the back of her fist were slowly becoming visible, as the tendons sprung forth from her forearm. But Brittany made no attempts at movement.

"I'm not leaving without talking to you San, I need to te-"

"Move." That was all Santana said as she neared her door. Brittany moved to one side but still made no attempts to leave.

Santana pushed on by and slammed the door shut. She slid down to the floor, her fingers twisted into the loose curls of her hair, she began tugging at the strands furiously. She was frustrated and confused. Before she had been drifting, albeit numbly but that was better than this.

She felt like someone was pressing down on her chest, squeezing the air from her lungs and forcing out these raspy breaths.

"San?" She could hear Brittany's voice through the door. Her gentle tone reminded her of Lima, of a time and place that seemed like a hazy dream to Santana.

She didn't respond she just sat quietly in the hopes she would leave. After half an hour she got up to put more layers on. The only room she could afford to heat was her bedroom, not the whole apartment and now the lounge was freezing. Another half an hour went by as she stared blankly at the yellowed paper peeling away from the corners of the walls. Santana couldn't resist looking through the peephole. Brittany was still there.

In Santana's anger she hadn't even realised Brittany had brought a small suitcase with her. It was a crystal blue case, plain and was being sullied by the dirt on the floor as Brittany sat on top of it. She felt a pang of guilt but she quickly pushed that feeling away.

She was going to make Brittany wait out there until she would leave. She wouldn't show mercy on someone like her.

As she thought over everything that had happened, everything they had gone through, that _she_ had gone through for Brittany, she smacked the door viciously with her palm.

"Brittany, I will never open this door to you. Just. Just- LEAVE NOW." Santana's frustrations got the better of her as she shouted.

She could see Brittany's shoulders tense then hunch further forward. She was curling in on herself and she looked as broken as Santana felt.

Furious at Brittany playing the victim Santana moved as far away from the door as possible, opting to sit by the window in the worn out recliner and watch as the snow fluttered down from the darkness.

How could something so delicate and pure fall from somewhere so vast and dark? She thought bitterly. She touched the glass tentatively; her fingertips stroked the cool surface gently as if she could capture a snowflake through this barrier.

A single tear slipped free, and soon after her eyes began to close.

Eventually she managed to fall asleep, her fingertips still reaching out for nothing.


	3. Chapter 3

**Mea Culpa : Argumentum Ad Lapidem.**

"Appeal to the stone."

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters. **

**A/N: I am still trying to learn how the education system works in America so bare with me. If something doesn't add up please pm me so I can correct it! Also italicised sentences are memories being recalled. Just to let you know :) **

Santana awoke the next day to a grey sky and the dull light exuding from the untouched snow outside of her window. She rubbed her forehead, trying to decide if last night was a nightmare, she started shivering slightly and wandered into her bedroom, the heat hit her immediately and she luxuriated in it. She peeled off the layers of clothes and climbed beneath the sheets. Santana's back clicked and she felt relief, as at some point whilst she slept she had curled into a ball on the recliner, twisting her spine.

She checked the clock it was 7 a.m. She didn't have to be awake for another hour so she stretched her limbs and quickly fell back into a dreamless sleep.

The alarm sounded and Santana shot out of her bed. She ran a quick shower that was warm at best. Even so she felt the water wash away the haziness of sleep, and felt the clarity of the night before overcome her.

Santana's tears mingled with the water and were swept swiftly away. This process was a cleanser for her; she was washing the memories and the sin away from her mind and soul. She rubbed her eyes furiously and stroked her fingertips through her hair detangling the tendrils.

This morning she didn't even bother to put on makeup, and instead just dried her hair thoroughly. She looked in her refrigerator and found nothing that could be made into breakfast.

She put on her grey hoody, then her black gillet and dark blue jeans. Her thick boots would give her some stability in the treacherous snow; she had to make it to Melissa's on time in order to get to her English Lit class.

Santana grabbed her keys and hesitated at the door. She peered out and there was no sign of Brittany. She threw open the door and found a note haphazardly taped to the handle.

San,

I just want the chance to talk to you. Please. So much has happened and I want to explain. Just if you decide you want to talk call me.

Britt x

Santana didn't want to hear it. She had heard it all before. With that she scrunched the note into a ball and threw it back into her apartment.

She began her treacherous walk to Melissa's place, kicking lumps of snow as she went. The sky looked ready to unload further snow, as if somewhere beyond the darkened clouds each flake was waiting, biding its time until it would fall to the Earth.

She ran the tip of her finger along a snow coated railing, feeling a familiar tingle as she became numb.

"_San, I wanna go somewhere where it snows". Brittany's face was flushed from the heat, a light sheen of sweat had formed making her glisten in the bright sun of Lima._

"_Britt, unless a miracle happens it will never snow here, unless we move to somewhere where it snows." _

_Santana looked at her fondly wrapping her arm round her shoulders feeling the stickiness as their skin collided. Brittany stole a quick kiss, smiling lightly as they both looked around to make sure no one was there to witness it. _

"_Can we go to where it snows?" Brittany asked._

"_We can go wherever you want Britt, just as long as it's away from here."_

The memory replayed over and over. Santana snatched her hand away as if the snow had scalded her flesh. She moved quickly and soon was at the familiar green door.

"In a minute!" Melissa's voice sounded out as a scuffle broke out from behind the door.

It swung open and to Santana's surprise Melissa's little girl stared up at her shyly.

"Hope, you know you're not supposed to open the door. " Santana said lightly. She had no problem with kids; she just didn't know how to talk to them – especially little kids.

"Mommy!" The little girl squealed.

Melissa appeared then, scooping Hope up into her arms and taking her back into the kitchen. Santana stood awkwardly on the doorstep, stamping the pattern of the sole of her boots into the pristine snow.

She heard Melissa call out to her mom and Hope and closed the door quickly.

"Hey ready to go?" She asked with a smile, producing the keys to her car.

Santana nodded. She didn't have to use words with Melissa. That's what she liked about this friendship, she didn't pry into Santana's life and vice versa – they always stuck to topics of school, homework and work. They didn't ask a single personal detail; Melissa didn't even know that Santana was gay. They had become friends from the first moment that they sat next to each other in their very first lecture. Santana had felt Melissa's demeanour comforting, a nothing will faze me outlook and a take no shit attitude. It was something she admired and envied.

Santana breathed on the glass of the car and drew a sun in the mist. Within 15 minutes they were there, pulling up outside Philadelphia University. She felt a rush every time she saw the building something that she had never felt pulling up to McKinley High School.

They got out of the car and walked in comparative silence. As they neared the room Melissa spoke up.

"Whatsup Lopez? You haven't even said hi today."

"Hi" was all Santana replied with, Melissa just smiled and nodded her head. If Santana wasn't willing to share then Melissa wasn't willing to know.

They settled in their seats and the lecturer took to the front of the room.

"Ok, does everyone have their copies of Dr Faustus?"

The room turned into a sea of bobbing heads, they daren't forget otherwise they would never be able to keep up.

Santana thumbed the pages eagerly until she reached the correct page.

"Ok, so has everyone read up until the scene where Faustus makes the deal with Lucifer via Mephistophillis?"

Again everyone nodded enthusiastically.

"So what is Faustus' downfall in this scene? Is it as simple as good versus evil? Someone being led astray by desire?"

Melissa's hand shot up. When Mr Langford nodded in her direction she began.

"Firstly, I wouldn't say it was necessarily about debate between good and evil, but more the choices we make and what is the worth of your soul."

Santana frowned at the explanation it didn't sound right. To her it was more about freewill and how we make choices without influence. Faustus' downfall being that he is so blinded by his actions that he can't even see that redemption is right there in front of him. It isn't good versus evil, it's about recognising when you're wrong and accounting/ repenting for those misgivings.

If she was being honest though she wasn't sure, to her it was all guess work. She zoned out for the rest of the lecture as a debate began between the other students and the professor. Normally this would've held her interest but now the seal on her memories had been broken she couldn't seem to rein them in.

She began worrying her bottom lip between her teeth and drawing endless circles on her notepad. She didn't even realise the lecture had finished until Melissa hit her with her copy of Faustus. She gathered her belongings lost in thought and swept quickly back to solitude.

Santana wasn't working at the bar that night, so she had done something that she hadn't done since first arriving here.

She knew its exact location, hidden at the back of her cupboard gathering dust and being neglected.

She hesitated, then let her hand fold around the book.


	4. Chapter 4

**Mea Culpa : ****Ad Perpetuam Memoriam**

"To the perpetual memory"

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters. **

**A/N: From this point on I'm going to be dipping in and out of memories, that will hopefully give you a clue and build up to why Santana left so abruptly. If I'm not clear enough when it comes to highlighting what part is a memory and what part is happening now then let me know. All input be it negative or positive is greatly received.**

**Oh yeah and this ff might be a little longer than 20 chapters or it might be slightly less. I only put that as a rough guideline. P.s my first review I'm so excited you have no idea! Thank you Lanter :)**

* * *

><p>She opened the thick leather bound book, feeling the softness of the worn spine from when she had repeatedly looked at it in her youth.<p>

The title page read "Santana and Brittany's book", with the date scribbled underneath as well as their ages. Both of them aged 14.

She traced the first photo reverently with her fingertips, lingering on the silhouettes of the both of them. The sun was setting in the background, a multitude of colours were interspersed in the sky. Beautiful and rich reds merged seamlessly with golden hues and pale oranges, it almost seemed like it was on fire, burning the pink tinted clouds at their edges. Santana could faintly make out her own silhouette, both of them leaning as if sharing a whispered secret meant for each other's ears only.

She remembers vividly when it was taken, a month after she had arrived. It immediately took her back to the first time she met her.

_Santana had just moved to Lima and her parents felt the need to familiarise themselves with their neighbours. She stood at the Pierce's door, her arms folded petulantly across her chest and a scowl fixed upon her face. Her father rapped once. A tall, thin man with wavy blonde hair appeared. His features softened as her father extended his hand and introduced themselves as their new neighbours._

"_Hon our new neighbours are here!" A slender woman with light brown hair and piercing blue eyes appeared then, quickly followed by two girls. One looked to be about Santana's age, the other couldn't have been any older than seven. _

_Santana grew increasingly impatient; she wanted this over and done with. The eldest daughter extended her hand towards Santana. _

"_Hi I'm Brittany what's your name?" She asked with a smile fixed in place._

_Santana looked at the outstretched hand as if it personally offended her. She turned to her father then._

"_Dad can we go please, I just want my laptop." Santana whined her father glared at her as Brittany withdrew the offering, casting her eyes down to the floor. _

"_Don't be so rude." Her father said, mouthing the word teenagers to Mr Pierce and rolling his eyes. _

_When she realised her parents weren't going to be moving from the doorway anytime soon she stomped down the path and sat on the curb, ripping blades of grass from the dirt. _

"_How old are you Santana?" _

_The unexpected voice made her jump slightly; she turned around and squinted up at Brittany, using her hand to cast a shadow so that she could see more clearly. The sun was blinding and so bright it made Brittany's hair almost look white._

"_How do you know my name?" Santana replied haughtily, turning away._

"_Your dad told me." With that she sat down on the lush, green grass next to her. _

_Santana's shoulders tensed as she tried subtly to move away. She cast a furtive glance over to Brittany who just seemed to be staring at the road intently._

"_So where do you go to school?" Santana's voice was shaky; she didn't really like to make small talk. She was never in one place long enough to talk to anyone anyway. _

"_McKinley High School, is that where you're going?" Brittany's tone of voice seemed to instantly perk up and seemed to be eagerly awaiting her answer._

"_Yeah I'm going there too." Santana felt extremely uncomfortable, she just wanted this to be over already, she could feel herself squirming under the scrutiny of the other's blue eyed gaze. _

_Brittany's face showed a series of expressions in quick succession, as if reflecting what was going through her mind. Santana could feel her own face scrunching up as she tried to decode what Brittany was thinking. She quickly shook her head of these thoughts as her father's voice pierced the silence._

"_San come on we've got to go, we're gonna get take out tonight."_

_Santana stood up abruptly, brushing her jeans quickly lest any grass be clinging to her. As she started to walk away she hesitated a moment and turned back around._

"_I'm 14 by the way." _

_Brittany looked up and smiled, she turned back around, crossed her legs and continued to pull tufts of grass from the ground. Santana continued to walk away, a small smile __playing on her lips._

Santana didn't see her neighbour for a week after that first interaction, she felt afflicted looking at that photo. She remembers feeling indifferent towards Brittany, she didn't like nor dislike her she was just simply _there. _They had always been complete opposites, Brittany did things that made herself content, she was open and honest. Santana however was closed and coiled so tightly that no one ever had a hope of getting closer to her.

As she flipped to the next page there was a photo of Brittany lying on a sun lounger in a vest top and shorts, her sunglasses pinning her fringe back out of her face and a huge smile in place. She was doing a peace sign with one hand and holding a soda in the other. She looked so carefree and unconcerned. Brittany's hand writing was scrawled around the edges of the page. "Best friends forever" and "I heart summer" plagued Santana. She then turned to look at the facing page.

Her own pose was her sitting on another lounger; her head tilted back letting her hair fall in loose curls around her shoulders, her sunglasses fixed in place over her eyes facing away from the camera. Santana looked so much older than 14, so much more serious than her counterpart that it was frightening. It was as if, even at that age she was carrying a heavy burden upon her shoulders. Brittany had also written on that page, tiny hearts filling the space accompanied by "BFF" and "I heart my bestie."

A tear slipped free and blotted the page, smudging the ink slightly. Santana closed the book throwing it onto the coffee table and paced around her apartment, feeling such a vast explosion of convoluted emotions that she could barely make sense of them all. It still felt so fresh and raw in her mind. Remembering her final night in Lima, Santana was slinging anything and everything into bags, sneaking out swathed in darkness and moonlight as she took to the streets to make her escape. She didn't cry that night, she looked at everything stony faced and detached waiting for the right time to say goodbye.

She was waiting for her moment.

Santana began to cry harder, her chest constricted and closed making the sounds wrenching from her lungs even more desperate and garbled. She could barely breathe and the exertion caused her stomach to twist and knot forcing her to run to the bathroom to heave.

Afterwards her limbs felt weak and heavy, she stumbled to her bedroom and curled up into a ball in the middle of the bed. She couldn't cry anymore, but her face was still distorted with pain as her hands fisted the sheets, grasping tighter and tighter until her knuckles were pale. She turned her face partially into the mattress, trying to fight tears that weren't coming, really, she was trying to fight off the feeling completely.

She was a masochist, she knew she shouldn't have looked at their book, and seeing Brittany in the flesh the night before albeit briefly and with very few words spoken – it led to Santana's careful construct falling so quickly. Seeing Brittany brought it all crumbling right down, stripped back to its foundations, leaving her open and vulnerable to an abundance of emotions that she thought she had successfully lain to rest. But one glimpse of Brittany elicited every nerve ending in her body to come alive once more and churn up her mind almost to the point of being irreparable.

She closed her eyes and wished for sleep. But she knew it wouldn't be granted. Not tonight at least. She wrapped herself up in her duvet and watched the world roll on just beyond her window.


	5. Chapter 5

**Mea Culpa : ****Amor et melle et felle est fecundissimus**

"Love is rich with both honey and venom"

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters. **

**A/N: **Just wanted to say a big thank you to **Lanter **and **Sophie **for your reviews, and a thanks to all of those who have story alerted this/ author alerted this (woo hoo!) favourite and anything else that you have done for this ff. By the way, on a random note I've been reading a ff called **Taking the long way** by the author **grownupspashely **it is pretty darn good. So if I'm not writing this I'm reading that or **Teenage dream** by **Normal-Is-For-The-Boring**. Seriously – check them out. They're both Brittana of course!

* * *

><p>It was 5 a.m. now and Santana still hadn't slept, she tossed and turned in her bed, the sheets slowly tangling around her legs.<p>

She sat up and rubbed her face in exasperation, feeling her tense features relax slightly. Santana had calmed down a lot now, reverting back to her usual numb facade. Even so, she had to leave her apartment, she needed to go out and feel the still morning air on her face.

She got into the shower quickly, feeling the hot water practically scald her skin; she began scrubbing harder and harder until her skin felt raw. Last time she had scrubbed this hard it was just after... just after her and Brittany's first kiss.

She felt sick again, her mind recalled it with a startling clarity.

"_What happened Britt Britt? Why are you sad?" _

"_I don't want to say." She said standing awkwardly on Santana's doorstep._

_Santana watched her expectantly, arms crossed her chest showing that she wasn't going to back down until she found out._

"_Me and him, well we – we had sex and then he told me to leave, he didn't want me so I walked here, I don't want to go home San."_

_Santana couldn't control the sudden burst of anger, but she wasn't quite sure where it came from._

"_How could you do that? You're 16 Britt, you don't know what you want. Why now? "_

_Brittany pushed past and walked upstairs straight to Santana's room. Santana followed her quickly._

"_Tell me Britt – why him?"_

"_You had sex for the first time with Puck when you were 15" Brittany muttered quietly._

_Santana flared up again._

"_How many times do I have to tell you? He made it up because I wouldn't have sex with him. I haven't had sex at all. Just because all the guys at school say I have doesn't mean it is true Britt."_

_Brittany didn't want to argue so instead, she curled up into a ball on Santana's bed her body shaking silently. Santana felt guilt for the first time and shame, but ultimately she felt sadness too and something stirred within her. _

_She walked over, hesitating briefly before lying down on the bed next to her, her body moulding around Brittany's like a protective layer. She wrapped her slender arms around her friend and whispered that she cared, that she wanted her around always. She began to stroke her hair in what Santana hoped to be a reassuring way. _

"_Britt, I just –"she stroked her fingers through her hair trying to think of the right way to say what she was about to say. _

"_I care about you a lot, and I don't like the thought of you having sex with just anyone, it should be with someone who you love - who you want to share yourself with completely."_

_Brittany's shaking stilled beneath Santana's hands. Santana pulled her closer and tighter without knowing exactly what she was doing or the consequences of these actions. _

_By now night had fallen, there was a tranquillity and sense of peace hidden within the shadows. Within those shadows a bargain was made, wrapped in secrecy and hurt. _

_Santana had felt Brittany shift slightly so she loosened her grip on her body. Brittany turned around to face Santana so close that she could actually see directly into her eyes and feel the heat emanating from her body. _

_Without a second thought Brittany slid her hands into Santana's hair and felt the smooth and soft curve of her lips become still at first and then move in time with her own. Santana pulled Brittany back to her firmly, until their bodies were crushed together and for once it all seemed right. This is what Santana felt ease the butterflies in her stomach. Santana began to kiss Brittany more urgently, fevered and worrisome that daylight would come by too soon._

_That is how they stayed all night, close and eager, and happy to just be kissing each other. _

_When the sunlight began to shine, and after only having an hour and a half of sleep Santana awoke to Brittany sleeping contentedly by her side. An uneasy feeling filled the pit of her stomach as she launched herself quickly to the bathroom to throw up. The elation and clarity from such a short while ago left her feeling disgusted and confused. It was then that she heard a gentle knock on the door._

"_Santana are you okay?" Brittany's voice – weighed down with sleep- brought about a new wave of sickness, Santana didn't want to be confronted with it right there and then._

"_Just go Brittany." She heard her bedroom door swing open then shut and then came the silence. _

_After a few more moments she walked in to find Brittany sitting cross legged on her bed, wearing nothing more than a t-shirt and knee high socks._

"_We need to talk." Santana waved her hand at her in a gesture to get her to leave but she wasn't moving. Brittany got up and tried to hug her, but upon seeing her face she dropped her arms and looked down._

"_I'll go and take my things, see you at school?" Santana nodded mutely and watched as she gathered her things. As she made her way to the door clothes in hand she hovered in the doorway and turned to look at Santana once more._

"_For what it's worth I'm not sorry it happened." Santana moved swiftly over and wordlessly linked her pinkie finger with Brittany's; it was the most contact she could deal with at that moment._

By now the water had turned cold, as she remembered the dejected look. As soon as she had heard that door close she went straight to her shower, scrubbing her skin until she bled, all the while hating herself for not hating having kissed Brittany.

Now Santana resented the fact that 1) Brittany had shown up. 2) Agitated at the fact that she liked knowing that Brittany was here somewhere and then 3) sad knowing that she couldn't have her.

Santana got out of the shower, pulled on her warmest clothes and went for a walk. The snow was still thick on the ground; with each footstep taken the snow clung to her boots melting after a little while. Her breath turned to a heavy mist in this winter's air, even though the sky was still dark it looked to be a deep rich red. She was looking up, twining her fingers together in a multitude of ways.

"Santana?"

The gentleness of the voice surprised her and at the same time sent a chill right down to the core of her.

"What are you doing here?" She said, she didn't even need to turn around to know who it was.

"Same reason as Brittany, I came to see you. I came to say sorry for all the shit I put you through at school."

"But why now? I don't get why you are all showing up now." With this statement she spun on her heel and marched right up to him.

She may have recognised his voice, but she certainly didn't recognise the guy staring back at her.

"Puck what the fuck happened to you?" Santana's hands reached up instinctively and began touching his face lightly; her thumb ran ever so gently across the split in his lip. Her index finger hovered above the deep purple shadows under both eyes.

"Some guys jumped me when me and Britt first got here, literally went out for milk and came back like this. Of course they came out of it worse off." There it was, there was that same old Puck. He laughed gently.

"You should both leave." Santana stated, backing away from him slowly.

"Why? All we want to do is talk to you. Britt wanted to see you once she found out where you were, but no way could she come here alone. She doesn't have street smarts like you. If this happened to me, imagine what would've happened to her if she was here alone."

Santana winced; she didn't even want to contemplate what would've happened. For once, she was actually grateful for Puck's presence.

"You two leave. Or I leave. Make your choice, because all three of us cannot be living close to each other like this. I came here to leave you all behind and that's one promise to myself that I'm going to keep." Santana stood awaiting Puck's answer.

"Why won't you speak to her? She won't tell me and you're ready to disappear at any moment – so what really happened Santana?"

She shook her head.

"Another time?" he asked hopefully.

She nodded her head and carried on walking to nowhere, leaving him far behind.

As soon as she gets back to her apartment, she is packing up and moving on. She thought idly about how it would only be two boxes, and she would have to tell Melissa that she wouldn't be riding with her to uni anymore, and try and transfer her course to another university. She would never give up her studies just because someone came along and inconvenienced her life.

As she started reeling off all the things she would have to do in order to move away and the added expense as well, she couldn't help but think it wasn't worth it.

Avoidance seemed like the best option.


	6. Chapter 6

**Mea Culpa :Aegri somnia **

" A sick mans dreams"

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters. **

**A/N: Ok so this chapter has a little bit of sex in it. Not much though and not with who you think. It's also an entire 'memory' chapter. The song I had in mind for this is Sarah McLachlan's "Possession" it came onto my I-pod unexpectedly and the words really made me think. If you know the context of the song disregard it, as Santana hasn't spontaneously become a stalker :) . Thank yous again go out to everyone who has alerted this ff, those who reviewed (Lanter, Wah, TheWeirdEmma and darkanglee!) and can I just say I am so pleased that 518 people have viewed this ff. That really made my day! So THANK YOU!**

* * *

><p><em>Santana sat in her garden, she could hear the gentle breeze flow softly through the space, stirring the branches of the tree to life.<em>

_She couldn't believe what had happened. Brittany's kiss had stirred something within her. But she knew it had been out of vulnerability. It didn't mean anything._

_Santana's stomach twisted at the thought and her skin prickled where Brittany's fingers had once been. She didn't want to believe that it had actually been real, but even if it had been a fantasy it still wasn't right._

_It couldn't have been true._

_The sun was rising and she knew that she should've been sleeping, but she couldn't. Two nights ago it had happened and since then she had trouble sleeping. She turned her I-pod on and pressed play, the gentle tune and the haunting voice echoing to her in the morning light. The words inspired her._

_She hummed along with the lyrics absentmindedly as she began to sketch the tree that stood in the corner, desolate and solitary. She would never reveal this side of herself to anyone else; including Brittany. This was something she did for herself. As the song began to draw to a close she heard the distinct sound of a door shutting. _

_It sounded like it came from Brittany's house. _

_She put the pad and pencil down, removing her ear phones and crept slowly across to the fence. She grasped the top of the fence and pulled herself up to catch a glimpse of Brittany sitting down on the lounger, with a glass of orange juice in hand. _

_There was no mistaking the faraway look in her eyes, as if remembering something that she wanted to forget. _

**I'll hold you down, kiss you so hard, I'll take your breath away, and after I, wipe away the tears just close your eyes dear...**

_The song echoed in Santana's mind._

_Without a moments hesitation she pulled herself up and over the fence completely, startling Brittany._

"_San? Why are you awake so early?"_

_Santana didn't respond she strode over determinedly. She was biting her lip and she looked almost predatory. _

"_What's wrong?" Brittany's voice was barely above a whisper._

_Santana clamped her fingers down onto the arm rests, ensnaring Brittany. She leant forwards and kissed her hard. Brittany's breathing became sporadic._

_It was as if Santana was stealing the oxygen directly from Brittany's lungs. Santana's lips felt like they were burning as if she were near an open flame, her eyes were clenched shut as if she were in pain. Santana was almost animalistic in her actions, baring her teeth and dragging them along Brittany's lower lip. Brittany clung to Santana in every conceivable way. Fumbling and searching for a safe place to hold her._

_It was unexpected, but Brittany welcomed it whole heartedly, she had wanted to kiss her for so long. However, the thinly veiled hostility that she had been receiving from Santana at school since that first time made Brittany want to avoid her. She began trailing her fingers down Santana's throat with the intention of reaching and undoing the buttons of her jacket._

_Just as quickly as it had begun it ended, Brittany felt the loss of contact and opened her eyes in time to see Santana pulling herself back over the fence._

"_San wait!"_

_But Santana had already gone over to the other side, sliding down the rough wooden slats to the floor where she began to silently cry._

_She wanted to try a second time, just to see if she felt something, and when she did – when she desired more than just kissing her – she couldn't handle it. She didn't want to feel this way, Brittany had been the one uncomplicated part of her life, everything had been so natural and easy with her and now it was going to change. She could feel it._

_She heard soft footsteps approaching._

"_San?"_

_She looked up to see just Brittany's eyes staring at her from over the divide. The tears streamed freely down her face, and using her sleeve she wiped their tracks away from her cheeks. Brittany disappeared._

"_San over here." Brittany stage whispered._

_She looked all around and then saw it. Brittany's pinky finger was extended through a gap in the fence, she crawled over and took the pinky in her own, and began to shake again._

"_It's ok San, shhhh. Everything is going to be ok."_

_When Santana eventually stilled, she disengaged their fingers and put her mask back into place._

"_We should get ready for school." With that she stood up and slipped inside, leaving Brittany confused and alone, her hand still stretched out grasping at air._

* * *

><p><em>At school Santana ignored her; it was as if she didn't exist. Brittany sat in class, trying not to look at her but she couldn't help but sneak glances in her direction. But she sat there, her jaw clenched; her brow furrowed staring so intently at the board she looked as if she wanted to decimate it with her eyes. <em>

_At the end of the lesson Brittany waited outside for her. _

_When she saw her appear she took her opportunity._

"_San can we talk? We really need to sort this out now or after school."_

"_Busy." Santana averted her gaze hating herself for what she was about to do._

"_Ok so we'll talk after school." Brittany continued not noticing that Santana had stopped abruptly._

"_I said I'm busy Britt."_

_Brittany spun on her heel to face her. _

"_Doing what?" She asked, but she wasn't sure she wanted to know the answer._

"_I'm seeing Sam." _

_Brittany felt sick. She couldn't stop the next question from falling from her mouth._

"_Are you going to have sex with him?"_

_Santana looked at her feet and that was all the answers that Brittany needed._

"_It's time to lose my v card." Santana stated coldly, she turned away leaving Brittany alone in the hallway, she hadn't felt this far apart from Santana since they were 14. But now, it was as if she had never known her at all._

* * *

><p><em>As the school bell rang for the final time that day Brittany was filled with dread. She walked out just in time to see Santana and Sam slipping into her car and drive away. Brittany stared after them forlornly, until Kurt's voice broke her reverie.<em>

"_Brittany, did you forget how to leave again." _

_To anyone else that statement could be perceived as mocking, but to Brittany if it had been another time it would have been reassuring. That had been Santana and Brittany's private joke, she said and did things deliberately to confuse those around her and they would take everything that she said at face value._

_She loathed it now._

"_No I didn't. Kurt can I ask you something?"_

_Kurt stood behind her awkwardly, not saying anything so she continued._

"_Are you gay?" Kurt almost choked. _

"_Britt, everyone knows I'm gay. That's why I get picked on so much." He eyed her curiously as she continued to stare at where Santana's car had been._

"_How did you know you were gay?"_

_Kurt looked all around them, deciding that there were still too many people around and that this wasn't really a discussion he wanted to have in the middle of the parking lot, so he proposed they have this discussion at his house._

_Brittany nodded and walked with him to his car, whilst he started an empty discussion about the latest trends in men's fashion. _

* * *

><p><em>Santana was only half paying attention to Sam as she drove to his. Her heart was speeding up out of fear. She knew Sam was a virgin too, that's why she asked him. When he actually agreed she couldn't help but feel lost. As they neared his house it all became surreal. She parked outside and as they reached the door Sam hesitated. He fumbled around with the door key his hands shaking as he turned the lock. <em>

_They stood awkwardly in the foyer, looking everywhere and at anything but each other._

"_So erm, do you want anything to drink?" He asked nervously, pushing his fringe to one side._

"_Do you have any liquor?" She replied hoping the answer would be yes._

_He walked away wordlessly and came back with a bottle of Jack Daniels and two cups. He looked at the stairs then back at Santana. She took the hint and ascended them, with Sam close behind._

_They sat on his bed cross legged and unscrewed the bottle; the pungent smell of whiskey filled the air. They began knocking back the alcohol as if it was water and soon Santana began to feel the effects. _

_They looked at each other and leant in, kissing tentatively. Sam's hands were gentle as he kept them on her shoulders, rubbing the skin where he touched. Santana didn't know how to get beyond this stage. She was far from innocent. She had done things before, but this time it was different. This time she knew the aim was to have sex._

_She smoothed her hands over his abs, beneath his jersey and t-shirt and slowly guided it up over his head and threw it on the floor. She noticed his eyes kept darting back to her Cheerios top, so she took it off. The alcohol really began to kick in and so did Santana's anger. _

_They went from slow and gentle undressing to Santana ripping every item of clothing off of herself and Sam. She decided to just get it over with._

_She remembers his mouth, warm and wet on her skin sliding down her neck and over her breasts. She could recall the sound of the condom packet being torn open and the feel of his rough hands on her thighs as she pinned him down. She felt the sharp pain and then the discomfort as they began. It felt awkward and foreign to her, the softness of earlier had evaporated into a swirling haze of blurred frustration._

_Most of all, the part that sat so poignantly in her memory were the tears that fell so freely. Sam watched her worriedly afterwards when her tears didn't stop._

"_Santana are you ok?" She daren't look directly at him. She began gathering her things._

"_I don't get why you're crying, you do this all the time don't you?" _

_Santana's blood ran cold and fury took over quickly._

"_Listen trouty mouth, you dare say anything about this to anyone I will annihilate you understand? Just be grateful that someone as experienced as me decided to take your V."_

_She didn't know why she lied. But she did and from the fearful look on Sam's face he wouldn't be recounting this moment to anyone, or at least for a little while._

* * *

><p><em>Brittany gazed out of the car window as the world flicked quickly on by. She wondered why Santana had decided now to have sex. She didn't have any claim on her, but she was still upset. <em>

_She remembered when Kurt dated her and asked what boys lips tasted like. He was trying so hard to be straight. Now, she was looking to him for some kind of reassurance, or help or anything that he could provide. She could tell just from her two kisses with Santana there was something there and right now she wasn't willing to label whatever 'this' was._

_Before she knew it they were standing in his kitchen as he made chocolate milkshakes. She leant on the countertop, fiddling with her thumbs waiting to broach the same question to him again._

"_So how did you know you were gay?" _

_Kurt looked up thoughtfully, trying to think of the exact moment when he knew he was gay._

"_I knew for certain just after I kissed you." Brittany's face coloured slightly._

"_You didn't _turn_ me gay; you just confirmed what I already thought. I wanted to deny it, but I couldn't. I have always been attracted to boys, I thought they looked better, smelt nicer and in general they had more appeal to me than girls. After that night with you I began to accept who I really was, and stop pretending for the sake of those around me."_

_Brittany looked lost in thought again._

"_Why do you ask Britt?"_

_She wasn't expecting him to ask that question, she thought quickly._

"_I think Lord Tubbington might be gay." Kurt looked at her strangely and handed her the milkshake._

"_Britt, if you ever want to talk I'm here ok?" She nodded and carried on drinking._

"_Did you kiss anyone before me?" It was a question that Brittany had wanted to ask for awhile now, but never had the opportunity to do so. She thought now was as good a time as any._

"_Nope, you were my first. My last heterosexual kiss though." He laughed slightly. Brittany smiled lightly then her thoughts drifted back to Santana and she wondered if she was ok._

_It was at 10:45pm that Brittany finally heard Santana's car pull up outside. She approached her window that looked out onto the street. She saw her stumble out of the car, her hunched frame swaying as she walked up her own pathway and disappeared inside._

_She debated whether or not she should go see her. But with a heavy heart and a sickened stomach she realised she couldn't face her. Not yet._


	7. Chapter 7

**Mea Culpa : ****Alis volat propriis**

"She flies with her own wings"

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters. **

**A/N: Quick recommendation, "Dance On Our Graves" by pleasant-hell is an uh-mazing ff. Seriously, every time I receive a story alert that a new chapter has been posted up I do a happy dance. By the way, thank you Lanter for reviewing again you make my day! So you get a super smiley - :D**

Santana stared up at the lecturer in front of her. She had zoned out so completely that she wasn't sure exactly what was going on. But everyone had turned to stare at her.

Melissa nudged her and pointed to her notepad.

_Dr. F's place in modern society._

Santana didn't even know the answer to that, she just shrugged and muttered inaudibly. Mr Langford raised his eyebrow sighed, and turned and pointed to a brunette in the third row. As she began to wax lyrical about the play Santana couldn't help but think how much this girl was like Rachel Berry. She was one of those annoying – wave my hand in the air, look at me look at me – kind of people and it irritated her no end.

She looked to her right to see Melissa scribbling away, writing down practically every word that was being said. She sighed and continued to stare into nothing, allowing her mind to wander and think about how Brittany and Puck were both here.

She wondered who else would be popping up next, Quinn? Kurt maybe? Her mother? She snorted at that last one causing Melissa to send a curious look in her direction.

It was funny; every moment that she knew they were here she could feel herself regressing into the old Santana. Feisty, angry and wasn't afraid to share her exact thoughts with whoever. In one year she felt she had grown, she had calmed down, if she felt herself getting angry she would just walk away. But now, she was tired of walking away, of denying what was still within her. The ember wasn't as bright as it used to be, but she could still feel it glowing there, right in the pit of her stomach.

She wasn't going to avoid them anymore she resolved. Well, she wasn't going to avoid Puck – she would collide with him head on.

The lecture wasn't over, but Santana gathered her things shoved them into her bag and walked swiftly out of the room, she could feel everyone's eyes on her but she didn't care. She needed to sort this out once and for all.

What she hadn't factored in was that in Melissa's car the journey took 15 minutes. On foot it took triple that time. The snow still sat heavily on the ground, except now it was beginning to turn to ice. A couple of times her feet slipped, but she never actually fell over.

By the time she made it to her apartment she was shivering from the cold. She looked through her cupboards for cocoa, or just anything hot that she could have, but unless she was willing to mix splenda with a cup of hot water she had nothing. She walked back into the street and down to the mini-mart, trying to figure out how she would actually get in contact with Puck.

She picked up bread, milk and all the other basics for survival. She couldn't actually remember the last time she ate a real meal. She walked up to the counter and hesitated.

"And a pack of Marlboro as well please." If there was ever a time to pick her habit back up this was it.

He packed her things into a bag and just as she went to leave she saw a flash of blonde hair down one of the aisles. She felt sick, but couldn't fight the urge to look properly. As she turned again, relief flooded her albeit briefly.

It wasn't Brittany, that's for sure. Unfortunately, it was another blonde that she didn't want to particularly see. Sara turned in time to look at Santana, their eyes locked and she couldn't turn away. They may still work together at the bar, but it didn't make moments like these any less awkward.

Santana wanted to say something, but she was beaten to it when Sara strode up to her.

"Hi." She said, almost bashfully. She turned her brown eyes to the floor, not really knowing where to turn beneath the scrutiny of Santana's gaze.

"Hello Sara, I haven't seen you at work lately?" It sounded so scripted and trite that Santana almost cringed at her own words.

"Well, you know this and that. They haven't really needed me in there." She answered simply shrugging her shoulders but still refusing to look up.

This conversation was a struggle, and was far too much effort for Santana right at the moment.

"Oh, well ok then. I er, I'm just – I've got to go." She gestured with a thumb over her shoulder towards the door. Sara finally looked up.

"See you around." She tacked on the end and darted out before Sara even had the chance to speak.

When Santana had first arrived here she spent many a night either crying or drunk. She got her job at the bar, because she was literally in there every night. Sara had been her favourite shoulder to cry on.

Her sympathy for Santana had shone through every look, every lingering touch and emphatic nods. It was one night, just shortly after she had started working there that those touches became more suggestive, those looks were heated and she knew that Sara wanted her.

_They had been closing up when Sara made her move. Santana had been wiping down the bar when she felt Sara's lips at her ear._

_"Need a hand?" It seemed innocent, but the way it rolled off of her tongue Santana knew what was about to happen. She didn't know if she wanted to stop it. Before she could think she felt her hair being brushed away from her neck and soft lips pressing down._

_Sara's hands trailed down her arms, disengaging the cloth from Santana's hand. Santana could've stopped it at any point, but she didn't. Right then and there she knew she wanted to be touched._

_Sara's hands stroked down her sides then, feeling her every curve and continued placing light kisses along Santana's throat. Her fingers trailed up beneath her shirt and over her stomach, continuing higher and higher until she reached her breasts._

_Santana daren't make a sound; she closed her eyes and succumbed to the sensation._

_"Shall I carry on?" Sara's voice lilted - she was toying with her._

_Santana nodded and continued to feel the achingly tender touch of Sara's fingertips caress the tops of her breasts, before circling around pushing beneath the bra and stroking her._

_But suddenly this felt wrong. Santana couldn't control her heartbeat that rose up out of fear instead of pleasure, her eyes flew open and she spun around. Sara stared back at her curiously._

_"What's wrong Santana?" The heat had left her voice that had been burning no more than two seconds ago._

_"I can't, I'm sorry but I can't." She fled, feeling as if she had cheated somehow. Santana and Brittany weren't together anymore, but even so, she felt like she had betrayed Brittany even though she was so far away._

Looking back Santana had realised that it had been too soon, even a year on it still felt too soon for anyone else in her life.

Even so, she sought regular comfort in Sara. It was more often physically than emotionally. Every time after though, Santana wouldn't stay the night, she would flee back to the safety of her apartment and cry in to her pillow. But that had stopped roughly a month ago when she announced that she had a new boyfriend, which then stopped Santana's guilt. Now whenever they saw each other it was awkward just like then.

Santana pushed the door open throwing her keys and the groceries onto the counter top. She began unpacking methodically until something caught her eye.

The balled up piece of paper from the other day lay on the floor. The same piece of paper that had Brittany's number on it.

She hesitated, not sure if she wanted to call. She stared at the paper feeling conflicted. She balled it back up and threw it onto the coffee table. She opened up the window and retrieved her cigarettes. Lighting up she stared out onto the street below.

She exhaled the smoke into the air outside, when her gaze fell upon a guy walking up the street. A guy with a very distinct mohawk.

"Puck" she shouted. She could see him looking all around.

"Up here" he looked up at her, and she gestured for him to come up. She walked briskly to her front door and stood waiting. Eventually she saw him appearing from the stairs.

He almost smiled, but quickly shut down when he saw Santana's face. He hesitated by her door until she gestured for him to come in.

He took in her apartment, there was nothing in it. No pictures, no photos, no colour or life to this room. It was a blank canvas, peeling at the edges. It was so far removed from how her room looked back in Lima, where walls wore adorned with photos of Brittany and Santana, a Cheerios uniform slung in a corner and everything had been sleek and black.

That room looked lived in; this room looked like a shell. It was also extremely cold. He finally noticed the cigarette in her hand.

"Since when?" He tilted his head in the direction of her hand.

"Puck, you know I've been smoking since forever." The room fell silent then, and she almost wished she hadn't invited him up.

"So where are you staying?" Santana questioned, on purpose leaving Brittany out of the equation. It didn't go unnoticed by Puck.

"Well _Brittany _and I are renting a place literally two roads down from here." It was Santana's turn to tilt her head now.

"Why are you renting? I thought this was a fly by visit." Puck seemed unsettled, as he shifted uncomfortably.

"Brittany insisted on staying here until you spoke to her and I wanted to get out of Lima for awhile." He paused a moment taking in his surroundings. "Even if it is to a place like this."

Santana felt embarrassed by her apartment, the only other person who had seen inside these four walls had been Sara, and she didn't much care what she thought of it because she only arrived there for one reason.

"Well Brittany's going to have a long fucking wait then. You should buy the place." Santana recognised the venom in her voice and wished she could bite it back.

"Why won't you talk to her San? What did she do?"

"She knows what she did. If she thinks she can just turn up out of the blue and make everything ok again then she's fucking deluded." She puffed on her cigarette as Puck sat down in the chair. He was settling in, so this was definitely going to be a long conversation.

"So she didn't leave with you to come here. Big deal. Why didn't you just stay in Lima?"

Santana felt herself shaking. She didn't like the easiness in his voice, as if it was a simple choice to leave.

"You don't know any part of it. It was people like you who drove me from Lima, so don't come here and preach to me about leaving. It was people like you who didn't make it a choice for me to leave but a necessity."

At that Puck hung his head; he stroked his hand over his mohawk as if struggling to know what to say next.

"I'm sorry San." That's all the words he could muster.

"Sorry doesn't cover it. Sorry doesn't take back everything that you and everyone else had done." He flinched at the words. But he spoke again.

"You've grown up in a year, so why do you think that I haven't." Santana wasn't expecting that. She threw her cigarette out of the window and turned to face him, her face was expressionless as she said the next words.

"You may have grown up Noah, but it doesn't take away from the fact that you did all of those things. Starting with the rumours about me having sex with you and ending in you outing me to the whole school. " He hung his head lower, no longer making eye contact with her.

"Do you know what that did to me? The shit I put up with, having guys saying they will fuck the lesbian right out of me? Did you know that?"

He looked up and saw that she was still emotionless. Her teeth were gritted and her stance aggressive, but her face gave nothing away.

"Here's an easier question, why is it you defended Kurt every chance you got, but with me you watched on, laughed and high fived sometimes at what the guys said?"

"I – I don't know." For once in his life he wasn't making a joke, he was being honest and vulnerable.

"You must know. Why was I so different from Kurt?" Her voice was slow and low. It was the calm before the storm.

He paused for a moment, and then decided to tell the truth. The complete truth.

"Because I thought I loved you. "

Santana froze.

"I still do." His voice was small and timid.

The next sound in the apartment was the loud crack of Santana's hand whipping across his face. Well, he hadn't been expecting that.


	8. Chapter 8

**Mea Culpa : Damnant quod non intelligent **

"They condemn what they do not understand."

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters. **

**A/N: **Thank you to everyone who has even taken the time to look at this ff (928 people to be exact!) and a big thanks to **aliesmyles** for reviewing. Quick

recommendation coming your way **"Under A Southern Sky" **by **faithangel3 **– wicked ff very sweet.

* * *

><p>"What the fuck San?" Puck's eyes flared a little as the print of Santana's hand began to redden on the side of his face.<p>

"Get out." She said between her teeth. When he made no attempts to move she moved in close to him.

"Get. The. Fuck. OUT."

He got up heavily from the chair, his fingertips still massaging the raw skin where Santana had hit him. He paused by the door, sending one last long look her way.

"We live in Hoopes Street, just talk to her please. The quicker you talk, the quicker we leave and the sooner you can try and pull your head out of your own ass."

Santana stood there motionless, wanting nothing more than to re-split his lip. She turned away to push the rage back down that seemed to keep fighting its way to the surface. She didn't see Puck writing the exact address of their townhouse and leaving it on the side.

She reached for another cigarette and lit it, barely hearing the soft click of the door closing behind him.

* * *

><p>"<em>San what are you doing?" <em>

_Brittany strode up quickly to her beneath the bleachers, taking in the sight of Santana in her Cheerios uniform and puffing out long streams of smoke._

"_What does it look like I'm doing Britt?" She inhaled deeply again feeling the smoke claw its way down her throat and into her lungs. _

"_But it's bad for you San. It can kill you!" Brittany tried to extract the cigarette from her fingers, but Santana was too quick and avoided the attempt._

"_Britt what the fuck? I know you don't understand because you're not on the squad but all the others do it, we've got to maintain a reputation."_

_She just wished Brittany would understand the pressures of being popular. She had told her so many times to try out for the squad but she refused each time saying that she was happy enough with the dance group. _

"_Quinn doesn't smoke." Her voice was barely above a whisper._

"_Yeah, but Quinn is a good Christian girl who is lame. Honestly, I don't know how she even stays on the squad." To emphasise her point she took another deep drag of her cigarette however, she then began coughing._

_Brittany sent her an 'I told you so' smirk and crossed her arms over her chest. When Santana recovered she eyed Brittany closely._

"_So was there a point to you coming over? You know we aren't supposed to talk at school."_

_Brittany pouted, remembering the rule that Santana came up with to make sure that her reputation remained intact – anyone not on the squad was a loser, if you talked to someone not on the squad then you were a loser by association. This rule had made itself known shortly after their second kiss and Santana's consequent sex session with Sam. _

"_I wanted to tell you San that I joined New Directions!" She almost hugged her until Santana put out her hand to stop her. Simultaneously flicking the remainder of her cigarette onto the floor._

"_What's New Directions?" She was confused, and also worried that someone would catch them talking._

"_It's the school Glee Club!" A big smile crossed Brittany's face as Santana's filled up with dread._

"_You can't Britt, that's social suicide." _

_Brittany folded her arms, an attempt at a scowl marred her features._

"_But Finn and Quinn have joined, and... and I signed you up too." Santana froze._

"_I am NOT joining that club. You do know you're gonna get slushied practically every day if you join right?"_

"_I don't care San, I want to do it. I think you'd like it too. Then we can talk at school again. We won't get slushied San because you'll protect us." _

_Santana's heart dropped, knowing what she was about to say would hurt. _

"_I can't join Britt- people will think I'm a loser and I can't lose my reputation. If you join that group I won't be able to stop you getting slushied or picked on, you'll be on your own Britt. Please don't put me in a situation like that. Join the Cheerio's then you can be popular and we can talk again." _

_Brittany stared her down, hoping that she would take back everything that she had just said. When she didn't, Brittany turned and walked away, not even looking back to see Santana's guilty face._

_Later on, Santana went walking into the restroom, overhearing snippets of conversation coming from the stalls as she reapplied her make up in the mirror._

"_She's such a total dyke. I mean seriously, what girl does motocross, does dance routines with that gay Kurt kid and then joins Glee? She has got to be queer."_

_Another girl laughed from the stall. "Totally a lesbian, she'll like, probably take up golf next."_

_Santana's hands clamped down onto the sink hunching her shoulders forward and staring fiercely into the mirror waiting for them to emerge. They were talking about Britt. _

_When she saw Chelsea - the head cheerleader – appear from a stall, her rage rose up higher._

_Chelsea's smile disappeared and a look of fear took its place. Realising that she had two friends with her though, she went back to her smug self._

"_Oh hey Lopez, you'll know, after all you've been hanging out with the loser under the bleachers. Is Brittany a dyke?" _

_Santana spun around and pushed her so hard that she fell back into the stall door, she regained her balance and went towards Santana. Santana leapt forward, pushing both of them out into the hallway, clawing and kicking each other. _

_A group began to gather around the two girls. _

"_Take your clothes off!" Puck shouted. He fist pumped and then high fived various jocks that had joined in the chanting._

_It was a blur of fingernails grasping onto the other as much as they could, to garner the advantage. Santana straddled the girl and back handed her across her face for good measure. Chelsea was flailing wildly underneath throwing weak punches in Santana's direction which did nothing to deter her. Santana went in for another backhanded slap when she felt a strong hand grip her wrist and pull her back. _

_The two girls were finally pulled apart by Coach Beiste. "What the hell is going on?" she asked._

_Santana just sneered at Chelsea, noticing how her lip was bleeding and there were claw marks down her forearms. _

"_I'm waiting!" The coach now had stood in between the two cheerleaders, holding each by their shoulder. _

"_She started it; she just jumped me for no reason!" Chelsea's voice whined. Santana felt like hitting her again._

"_Chelsea deserved it." When Santana made eye contact with Chelsea she saw her mouth the word dyke and smirk. She saw red and went for her again._

_A look of fear crossed Chelsea's face, but luckily for her the Coach's hands just grasped tighter restraining the feisty Latina. _

"_Chelsea go to the nurse. Santana come with me." Coach Beiste began to guide her away as Santana saw Chelsea limp to the nurse's office with the help of her two friends. _

_She couldn't resist it and she didn't._

"_That's how we do it in Lima Heights bitch" she shouted after the other girl. She turned back to see the coach just shake her head sadly. As they walked down the halls all the students seemed to part for them. Most importantly, she saw Brittany, her books clutched to her chest and a look of worry in her eyes. _

_When she got into the office she could see why Brittany looked so worried, she studied her reflection in the brass plaque that sat upon the desk. She had a dark bruise beginning to form just under her eye, claw marks down her face and neck and her ponytail that was always done to perfection now looked like a tangled nest. _

"_So what happened Santana?" Coach Beiste sat behind her desk, lacing her fingers together as she leant forwards to show that the girl had her full attention._

"_I overheard her calling Brittany a dyke. I got mad and went for her. I don't regret it. Chelsea had it coming." Santana relaxed back into the chair folded her arms and put a scowl on her face. She looked cocky._

"_That's not the way to deal with it Santana, you know that. How many times have I had to tell you not to fight in the hallway? I know you were helping a friend, but you should tell someone about it, not handle it with violence. Do you understand?"_

"_I'm not going to snitch coach. That's not who I am."_

_Beiste sighed, "One more incident like that Santana and you'll be suspended. Possibly expelled – do you want that?"_

_The girl had already tuned out of the conversation and began examining her nail polish, she didn't care._

"_Uh huh" was all she replied. With one final sigh the coach let her go. _

_Santana pushed her way through the doors and almost ran head first into Brittany. But she didn't stop to talk to her. _

"_San, wait let me talk to you" she called to her retreating back, but it was of no use. Santana had already rounded the corner and walked briskly away to a solitary place where she could hide. She knew that Brittany would ask what happened and then why did she fight Chelsea on her behalf. Santana wasn't ready to even admit the answers to herself, let alone speaking the words out loud to someone else._

_She sat on the floor of the deserted classroom replaying the fight over and over in her mind. She reasoned that her actions had been because Brittany was her friend. Her best friend even. Plus, she felt guilt over not joining New Directions and simultaneously disappointing Brittany. _

_The thought that she tried to suppress the most was their kisses, one sweet and soft, the other carnal and hard. But two kisses don't make you gay, right? These thoughts were swirling en mass through her mind. _

_Santana reasoned that she only reacted the way she did was because she didn't want anyone to speak badly of Brittany. Calling her a loser amongst other things didn't sit well with the Latina, because with hindsight not talking to Brittany at school implied that she thought that Brittany was a loser. _

_She slammed her fist down onto the table. Why couldn't Brittany just become a Cheerio? It would make everything so much easier and they could talk at school again, maybe not too much though, then it would look suspicious. An idea popped into Santana's head as she rushed out to find Brittany. _

"_Have you seen Britt?" She asked that dancey Asian kid. She recognised him from the dance group that Brittany was in, from the few times that she decided to watch her best friend practice._

_He pointed in the direction of the cafeteria, she headed off quickly, barely stopping to murmur "thanks Asian."_

"_It's Mike Chang!" he exclaimed to her retreating form._

_She practically burst in through the doors, she didn't have to look for long. Brittany seemed to be engrossed in some kind of discussion with kids that she hadn't even seen before. Or even if she had – she hadn't spoken to them._

_She worked her way over cautiously, as if approaching a deer that could take off at any moment._

"_Britt can I –" she swallowed hard "Can I talk to you?" _

_Brittany raised an eyebrow at this, ever since becoming a Cheerio and their kisses, Santana had requested minimal contact at school. For Santana to be speaking to her in such a public place as the cafeteria was a small victory._

_When they huddled into the corner, Santana's expression was pensive – Brittany's elated, those present at the table couldn't help but eye the two curiously._

"_Did anyone even know they were friends?" Mercedes seemed to ask to no one in particular. Tina shook her head and glanced over at Kurt._

_Kurt was repositioning his hair in a compact mirror, even though he had already layered it in hairspray, it simply kept falling back into its previous place. He sighed breaking the stares of Mercedes, Tina, Artie and Rachel._

"_Honestly, haven't you ever seen them talk under the bleachers? They seem to think that it's some secret hiding place but everyone can still see. Anyway, I'm thinking of paying homage to Alexander McQueen with my outfit tomorrow – do you think it'll be too much?" Kurt snapped the compact mirror shut and queried Mercedes who sent him a bemused stare._

_All eyes turned back to the two girls who were now making their way back to the table. As Santana stood next to these random kids her demeanour changed into that of being defensive and slightly aggressive._

_Brittany looked at all of them once then delivered the news._

"_I'm trying out for Cheerios... and Santana is trying out for New Directions." Brittany expected the table to break out into whoops and hollers of joy, instead she was met with silence. That was until Rachel broke it._

"_Why would she want to join us?" The girl eyed Santana suspiciously._

"_Listen Yentl, you don't dictate who can and can't join. Prepare for a challenge Willow because Britt's and I here are gonna be stealing all your solo's." Rachel's eyes widened comically, causing Kurt to smirk at her._

"_Hold up, I'm with Rachel here. Why would you want to join us? You're popular and this isn't going to help your reputation?" Mercedes was sceptical, she wondered if she was spying for Miss Sylvester. Sue was always trying to end their glee club.  
><em>

"_Wheezy, this is the way it's going down. I'm joining because Britt is. End of the conversation." She put her hand up in Mercedes face; Brittany frowned at her slightly, causing the Latina to lower her hand._

"I'm still going to put weird things in your food." She mumbled out.

"_Wait. What did you say?" Mercedes eyed her closely. Rather than answer Santana began to walk away shouting, see you bitches in glee. Brittany resumed her seat and carried on eating. When no one spoke she looked up._

"_What?" She looked around the table._

"_Since when do you hang with Cheerio's Britt? Specifically, bitchy ones" Artie's voice broke the silence._

_Brittany frowned at him. "We've been friends since we were fourteen. She's not a bitch Artie, you just don't know her yet like I do. Give her a chance; you'll see how sweet she can be." She began eating again as the others at the table shared dubious looks._

_Kurt proceeded to get out his hand moisturiser and shrug. Maybe having some Cheerio's in the club could help their reputation, maybe it could help cut down on his daily slushies. The dye that they used in those slushies was atrocious and did nothing for his complexion. He looked from Brittany back to everyone else and then back again. He could sense something amiss but would wait until later to talk to Brittany about it._


	9. Chapter 9

**Mea Culpa : Quia peccavi nimis verbo et opere.**

"For I have sinned in word and deed."

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters. **

**A/N: **A big thanks to **aliesmyles, Lanter, crazyfornaya and yourcrackerjackx** for reviewing and all of your kind words :). I must admit I was getting a bit demoralised by the lack of reviews, seeing as how many people are actually viewing the ff. Regardless, thank you to everyone who is checking it out – I do appreciate it, honest! Also another rec' for you all **"This is for Real" **by **bazzer.** Another ff I get excited about every time I see that it's been updated! We're kicking this chapter off with another memory...

* * *

><p><em>She could see it.<em>

_Santana wasn't a fool; she could see the emotion pouring from Brittany. _

_It was an assembly on the appreciation of the arts, and Brittany and Mike were currently twisting into and out from each other. At points they were separate entities, their _

_arms weaving back and forth, the moves disjointed and yet somehow flowing. But when they came together, Mike spun her into his arms then twisted her into the air bringing _

_her back in with an embrace, Brittany's legs wrapping around his waist as he lay her gently on the floor – Santana could feel the hurt. The intimacy of some of the moments _

_made the jealousy rise up Santana's throat, unbearable to control at points but she maintained a cool and collected demeanour. Within the final moments were the hardest _

_when Brittany pulled Mike to the floor and he wrapped his arms around her protectively - moulding his body around her. The audience began to cheer loudly. When they finally _

_stood up and looked out at the crowd she could feel Brittany's eyes on her. Santana stared straight back knowing this was how Brittany told her how she was feeling. Brittany _

_didn't use words she used her body and seeing that routine brought about feelings of guilt._

_Brittany had clearly chosen Mad by Ne-Yo after their fight the other night. The words were apt for that situation – "I'm yelling over her, she's yelling over me" it was as if the _

_song was created for that moment._

_It had happened a few days before when Brittany had initiated kissing again. When Santana reciprocated she had taken it further, cupping Santana's breast hesitantly. When _

_there was no rebuttal she slowly edged her fingers down her body to where the hem of her skirt rested. She'd drawn her fingers softly up Santana's thigh trying to figure out if _

_she was going to freak out at any particular moment. For once, Brittany had read the signs completely wrong. As she tried to move her hand up higher, Santana was broken _

_from her reverie of how good it felt to have Brittany touch her, to realising how wrong it all was. _

_A shouting match ensued. Brittany sat on the bed crying, her arms encircling her knees that were brought in tightly to her chest. Santana stood over her, yelling saying how _

_wrong it all was, how people at school call her a lesbian because she does motocross, how she can't keep doing things like that. Then the nastiest words possible slipped from _

_the Latina's mouth._

"_This is the worst night of my life!" Santana screamed, "Are you trying to make me gay like you?" Brittany cried harder, burying her face into her arms. Santana stopped and _

_wished she could rewind time and take those words back, but that was it, the words had been thrown carelessly hurting the one person she truly cared for._

_She bent down slightly and tried to touch Brittany's arm, but she pulled away from the intruding hands._

"_Don't touch me" she spat back. The venom in her voice had taken Santana by surprise; she'd never heard Brittany get angry before. She sprung up from the bed, towering _

_over the Latina causing her to cower slightly. _

"_I know it's difficult for you to understand _Santana, _because you think everything is about you, and how you are feeling, but what about me?" She clenched her hands into _

_fists; her eyes were wide, flaring with anger. "How do you think I feel? I'm not some toy that can be picked up whenever you feel like it, and you can't _turn_ someone gay, you _

_are or you aren't accept it. Why don't you for a change actually think about me? When was the last time you even asked me how I was?"__Santana had backed away from her, _

_feeling the rawness and the heat of Brittany's temper, she felt like she was standing next to a raging fire and she was afraid that she would get burnt. _

"_I get that you don't want to do anything, but don't put the blame on me for attempting to do something about it all – something that you're too afraid of doing yourself."_

_There it was, it stung, but Santana knew it was the truth; but right now she couldn't accept it._

"_I didn't ask for any of this Britt, it was all you – you want this I don't." Brittany strode over to the door opening it up._

"_Get out." It was a simple request, but the Latina didn't move. She couldn't believe Brittany was kicking her out._

"_What?"_

"_Get out now. I don't even want to look at you right now so go home."_

_Santana walked slowly up to the door, pausing briefly before she continued through the opening._

"_And when you've figured out some stuff we can talk." Brittany's voice was barely a whisper, uttering the words slowly and softly just enough for her to hear. Santana nodded _

_and walked through wiping the tears from her eyes as she walked away for what would be the third time._

_Now she sat there, staring at Brittany as she left the stage her head bowed. Puck's voice intruded on her thoughts._

"_I've hit that four times so far this week," his voice crowed to the surrounding jocks. "I'm gonna go for five tonight." She heard the crack of Puck high fiving a team mate _

_behind her._

"_So Lopez and now Pierce – how do you do it man?" Azimio said sounding in awe. _

"_No one can resist Puckasaurus, I'll aim for a threesome next time." Another round of high fives sounded and Santana realised she was pressing her nails into her palms._

_She turned around in her seat and glared at him._

"_Firstly Puck I've seen a bigger dick on an ant. Secondly, I've had loads of orgasms – you weren't present for any one of them. Lastly, when I told you impotence happens to _

_every guy, it doesn't – just you." _

_Karofsky started laughing as Puck slid down in his seat. They'd never had sex, but Santana had put Puck in a difficult position. He could either admit that he hadn't had sex _

_with her- then it would show what a liar he was or he could accept what she had said and move on._

"_Well, Britt doesn't seem to have a problem coming; maybe you should loosen up Lopez and stop being so frigid all the time." He smirked back at her his arms folded. She leant _

_over the back of her chair smiling sweetly at him. He didn't expect her fist to hit him in his groin. He keeled over, eyes watering._

"_Looks like you won't be coming at all tonight Noah." With that she stood up and smoothed over her skirt, looking back once more at the boy holding onto his crotch as if it _

_would ease the pain. _

_She needed to find Brittany and quickly._

_She ran out of the assembly wanting to talk to Brittany. Santana wouldn't admit it, but she was jealous and hurt over the things that Puck had said. _

_Brittany hadn't even mentioned having sex with anyone since her first time. As she barrelled down hallway after hallway, ducking in and out of classrooms and locker rooms _

_and having no luck, it dawned on her where Brittany might be. She immediately made her way outside to where the bleachers stood. Sitting underneath was Brittany, staring _

_off into the distance._

_Santana approached her cautiously- afraid of the conversation that was about to happen. When she drew in closer, Brittany's posture changed- she sat up straighter, almost _

_rigid._

"_Hi" Santana whispered._

"_Hello" she replied but she didn't turn around. Santana stepped into the line of vision, she needed to see Brittany's reaction when she asked her._

"_Was that dance-"she hesitated, but decided the uncertainty was killing her. "- was the dance about us?" Brittany nodded slowly, knowing that wasn't the only question she _

_wanted to ask her._

"_Have you been having sex with Puck?" Brittany's face went blank, her lack of a response made Santana feel sick._

"_Have you?" _

"_What does it matter to you anyway San? You need to figure everything out for yourself first before you start worrying about what I am doing." Her voice was cold, calm and _

_radiated authority. _

"_You know what; fine fuck him all you want. But I won't stick up for you again; you'll have to fight your own battles!"_

"_If that's what it takes San, then so be it." Brittany was almost emotionless, Santana was trying to elicit some kind of reaction – just anything, but the lack of it made _

_Santana worried. It was as if she had given up completely._

_But given up on what? There was nothing to give up on._

_Before her mind could process what she was doing Santana's lips found Brittany's and she was smothering her in a kiss. However, she pushed her back gently making sure _

_not to upset the Latina any further._

"_San, you can't just kiss me whenever you want. You need to figure it all out before this goes any further." She didn't respond, Santana just walked away feeling the tears _

_threatening to brim over. She swallowed hard stopping herself from crying, her hands fumbled for her phone in her bag. _

_She pulled it out and tapped out a quick text._

"_Hey ;) what are you up to tonight? Come mine?" Even as she sent the text she felt the familiar churn of nausea in her stomach. Her phone began flashing signalling a text._

"_Be there at 8." With that she returned her phone to her bag, and breathed in a slow and shaky breath. She would go through with tonight, to prove to herself that she could _

_do it, that she was definitely straight._

* * *

><p>Santana switched her I-pod off; she hadn't bothered listening to Ne-Yo since that performance and she especially didn't want to hear it just before going to work. No<p>

matter how hard she tried to avoid these triggers or repress the memories they still wormed their way into her mind, pointing out all the worst parts about her self

and all the bad times that they had. Thinking back, she couldn't remember one time when they were truly happy together but then again she wasn't trying that hard.

It was too hard to forget and so easy to reminisce.

Her hand smoothed over the two crumpled up pieces of paper, one with Puck's handwriting and the other with Brittany's handwriting. She kept pulling them from her

pocket, staring for a moment then putting them away for safe keeping. Santana was slowly working up the courage to call or text, just to get some closure. Maybe

then she could confront everything that had happened, how rapidly Brittany had changed and finally be able to say goodbye. She wondered if she was strong enough

to do it again, the first time almost broke her so how would it be this time?

Santana reasoned it was the right thing to do, because she couldn't live like this anymore. Whatever happens – happens. She was going to see how this would all

play out.

She pulled out her phone, tapping out a text.

"Meet me at mine at 8 tomorrow. San." Her thumb hovered over the buttons as she stared at the well worn piece of paper with Brittany's number on it. Before she

could think anymore she typed in the number and hit send.

As soon as she did she wanted to take it back. But she was stuck now. She had to see this thing through.

She was still Santana Lopez. A Lopez never backs out of anything – and that was a fact. Even so, her palms began to sweat even in such freezing temperatures and

she could feel her pulse quicken. But she could do this; she kept telling herself.

I can do this.


	10. Chapter 10

**Mea Culpa : ****Amor vincit omnia **

'Love Conquers All.'

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters. **

**A/N: **To start off I would like to say thank you to **Lanter, crazyfornaya and ilyfancypants **for reviewing. I was going to have the current day conversation between Santana and Brittany this chapter but I got carried away with a memory chapter instead. So forgive me – it is coming soon i.e. hopefully the next chapter.

* * *

><p><em>She was lying on her bed, staring up at the ceiling in an almost- darkness. A series of thoughts were going through her mind whilst David Karofsky lay on top thrusting away, grunting and groaning with his eyes squeezed shut. <em>

_Santana's mind was over active, thinking that she would've noticed Brittany's car having been missing from the driveway next door if she had been having sex with Puck. Or she would've noticed Puck's car if he decided to make a house call. But she hadn't seen either scenario. Maybe they were doing it at school? She pondered as David huffed signalling his release. For a moment she looked at him, willing herself to feel something. Anything._

_Instead, his breath assaulted her, smelling like chips and dip. Nothing like Brittany, she always smelt like mint. _

_She wished she hadn't even invited him over. When he arrived she didn't even say hi, she just opened the door and began walking up the stairs, telling him to close the door with a quick glance over her shoulder. He moved eagerly to her room. He tried to kiss her, but before his lips reached hers she pushed him back forcefully onto the bed, unbuttoning his jeans as he looked up at her in confusion. He tried to kiss her again but she turned her face so he caught her cheek instead. She was getting frustrated with his attempts._

"_No kissing, no foreplay just straight into it Karofsky and then you leave. Deal?" She burst out._

_He gave her a strange look, but shrugged, figuring sex is sex. When he tried undressing her she looked at him in horror, stilling his hands on her Cheerio top and pushing them away quickly. She began undressing herself, wishing for the rush of anticipation and eagerness instead she was met with fear and anxiety. What if it didn't work? What if she felt nothing?_

_It was all over in five minutes, her eyes rooted back to the patch of ceiling that she had become so familiar with._

"_Did you, errrr, did you enjoy yourself? Did I manage to make you y'know ... happy?"_

_She didn't look at him, she didn't even respond. She was just numb. She had felt more just by looking at Brittany than she had just now having sex with Karofsky. _

_Brittany managed to make her vulnerable unwillingly, but now Santana was trying to make herself vulnerable for a guy and the only way she could figure out was with sex. It was like an invasion of her body, but even so it didn't rid her mind of her best friend._

"_Santana? Did you?" she could feel his eyes on her. _

"_Yes." She lied. "I just want to sleep." With that she rolled over onto her side, wrapping the duvet tightly around her shoulders. She felt the bed shift slightly under the removal of Karofsky's weight, the gentle sounds of clothes being slipped back on and the sounds of Karofsky tidying up. _

_She heard the click of the door and allowed the tears to fall freely. She so desperately wanted to find that one guy who would stop her feeling like this; stop her from pining away for her best friend and make her believe that she was straight – that this whole situation she will look back on and laugh about, chalking it up to another high school experience._

_She sat up in her bed twisting her fingers into her hair, the tears running smooth tracks down her cheeks, time slipped away from her as she cried. Hearing a heavy bass thud from outside she wrapped her duvet around herself and moved to the window. _

_The sight of Puck's car pulled up outside of Brittany's house made her feel sick, especially as she saw him get out, the trademark Mohawk was caught in the light of the moon as he bent over to check his reflection in the glass of his car. _

_In a fit of desperation she grabbed her clothes and pulled them on as she ran through the empty house. She was outside and onto the Pierce's lawn within seconds. _

"_Hey Noah" she smiled sweetly at him, his head swung around to look at her, instinctively shielding his groin area with his hands._

_She let out a light, vacuous laugh that seemed to put him at ease. Santana knew that she had to work quickly and threatening him wouldn't get him to leave._

"_Hey Lopez whats up?" He gave her a lopsided smile, showing off his bright white teeth in what she recognised to be his attempt at seduction._

"_Nothing, I just saw you out here, wondered what you were doing?" Her voice was so syrupy that Noah gave her a suspicious look. She had to rein her sweetness in, it was becoming uncharacteristic for her._

"_Seeing Brittany – why?" _

"_Because I was hoping you were here to see me, I heard some __**very**__ promising things about you Noah. Things that would make tonight fun." She smiled at him, licking her lips. All the while she was hoping that Britt wouldn't suddenly swing open the front door and catch her here on her lawn trying to prevent Puck from getting into her house and consequently into her pants._

_Santana began walking back to her doorway, when she looked back around he hadn't moved, he was looking from Brittany's house to Santana's. He saw her raise an eyebrow and tilt her head in the direction of her house, he didn't even think anymore, he began tripping over his own feet to her. _

* * *

><p><em>It was 9:15 and Noah still hadn't arrived. Brittany was frustrated and let down by him again as she sat cross legged on her bed running her fingers over the strings of her new guitar. He had been teaching her how to play "Piece Of My Heart" but she wasn't good at it yet. When the time crept onto 9:30 and there was still no answer on his phone she looked outside. His car was sitting outside, unmistakable as it was Dodge Coronet RT, but in this light you couldn't make out the deep rich red of the paintwork. She walked down the stairs and past her mom, she swung open the door and wandered over hesitantly in case he was playing a trick on her. She looked inside the vehicle but there was still no sign of him. <em>

"_Puck? Puck if you're out here this isn't funny anymore." She peered into the darkness and then looked up when she noticed a light shining from the Lopez house. She saw two silhouettes moving around the room. They were moving around in Santana's room._

_She ran up to the front door, her fist pounding._

"_San, fucking open this door now." Her hands had become red as she continued to pound ruthlessly against the wood._

_She heard Puck's voice faintly from the other side of the door, telling Santana to ignore it. _

"_I will break this fucking door down San. Open up." Brittany's mom hearing the commotion stepped outside, just as Santana flung open her front door wearing just her underwear. She watched the scene unfold between her daughter and her best friend._

"_What do you think you're doing San?" She knew Santana hated Puck, so she couldn't quite figure it out._

"_Did I interrupt your fun for tonight? I'm __**so**__ sorry. Consider this as me helping you – I'm saving you from yourself." Santana retorted. There was sadness in her eyes that betrayed the smirk of her lips. Brittany was thoroughly confused now._

"_I don't understand?" Just then Puck chose to emerge down the stairs in his boxers wrapping his arms around the naked waist of the Latina. _

"_Fighting over me ladies?" He smiled so self assured. Santana had to push away the want to disengage herself from his arms. _

"_Shut up Noah. Britt don't play around, you know what you've been doing. You should stop." Santana stared straight into Brittany's eyes seeing the frustration there._

"_I see now. You think I have been screwing him? Really San?" Puck began to look sheepish slowly backing away. "He's been teaching me how to play guitar, I haven't slept with him since that first time." _

_She paused as Santana turned around to glare at Puck, his hands raised up in front of him._

"_People say I'm stupid, but look at you. You jump to conclusions, you're jealous and yet you still can't admit even the basic stuff to yourself." Santana had lost interest as she focussed in on him._

"_Jealousy is the best way to get someone to fuck you. You were jealous of Brittany getting to spend time with me and now you realise how much you want me." She let out a string of profanities as she lunged for him. Puck sprinted upstairs for his keys, the Latina in hot pursuit as Brittany tried to clear the tears from her eyes._

_She turned to look at her mom, who beckoned her over. _

"_Britt-bee, I'm going to call Santana's mom. She needs to know what her daughter has been doing. I couldn't hear but I'm assuming Santana was having relations with that boy .It's disgusting." She muttered the last part as she strode back into the Pierce household. _

_Brittany watched from the safety of her window as Santana began throwing things at Puck who was dashing to his car, still clad in just his boxers. She could see her hurt and confusion even from this distance. _

_She just watched her, not knowing what to say or do. Brittany wanted to comfort her, but she didn't know how or if it would all just make it worse._

_She heard the quiet murmurs of her mother speaking quickly probably to Santana's mom. She slipped out into the back yard, climbing up and over the fence and knocking lightly on the glass._

_When Santana's face appeared with her nose and eyes red from all the crying, Brittany couldn't help but feel for her, she pushed the door open and wrapped her up in a tight embrace._

"_Please, stop doing this to yourself. Please, just be happy." Santana sobbed harder as Brittany pulled her in tighter, smoothing her fingers through her long, dark hair._

* * *

><p><em>The next day at school was the worst. Puck must have sent a mass text letting everyone know how he "got into Lopez's pants and rocked that shit" she could feel the stares as she walked on by looking at the ground rather than at anyone else. She didn't want to be here, but her mom made her. As her parents had been called back early from their mini-break by Britt's mom, her punishment was to go to Sunday school – it made her gag. She felt someone standing in front of her; she looked up slowly to see Kurt staring at her with concern.<em>

"_So... you and Puck?" He hesitated trying to feel out how she would respond. She rolled her eyes ready to walk around him._

"_Britt seemed pretty upset about it all." He offered up the information and saw a flash of emotion although he couldn't be sure what it was._

"_She was crying about it when she came into school this morning – I suggest you go talk to her Santana. You both need this talk." He gave her a knowing look, but she chose to ignore it._

"_I don't know what you are talking about homo-Hummel. Shouldn't you be off choosing your dress for glee club?" He flinched at her harsh words, not wanting to incur anymore he departed, reiterating that they should talk._

"_She totally rode my beast you know! She is so into me, but I keep telling her that I'm like a sex shark. But she wants me to be exclusive now. Pshht no-one can tie down Puckzilla." She rounded the corner to this crap. He had made her feel sick and dirty, but in her mind she had stopped him from doing the same stuff with Britt and that brought her some relief._

_The only way she garnered any satisfaction was from imagining Brittany, slightly tan and wet her smooth stomach glistening in the sun light. She fantasized about trailing her hands up her body. But then she remembered that she was straight and she should be enjoying this moment with Noah. Rather than feeling satisfied about their sexual encounter she felt it was more of an accomplishment that she had gotten through it an achievement almost._

_She almost didn't see Karofsky striding up to her._

"_Sam was right about you. You are a slut; you fucked me and Puck in one night? You were trying to get rid of me for him weren't you?" _

_Santana looked at him for a moment, continuing on wordlessly, feeling that this school had turned into her own personal house of horrors. _

_Encountering Noah, then Karofsky and now seeing Britt whispering to Kurt her eyes like red stop lights probably from crying, San couldn't help but run. She ran to the bleachers and found Quinn holding a cigarette in hand, turning it with her fingers._

"_Need a light?" Quinn shook her head and handed it over. Santana gladly lit it up and took a deep drag eyeing up the Queen of celibacy. _

"_Why are you here?" She eyed Quinn dubiously taking another long pull of the cigarette and exhaling. _

"_To escape the gossip, you're not the only one that made news today." Quinn bowed her head low reaching out for the cigarette._

"_What did you do then? Did you finally say fuck?" she passed it over as Quinn's head snapped up._

"_Nope, but I did have sex last night. Sam Evans told me he was a virgin, then he got me drunk and... apparently told the whole school." She saw tears in the other girl's eyes._

"_It's like initiation for Cheerio's or something isn't it? All the older Cheerio's don't think anything of it you know, getting laid. I don't know though. I do know however that I'll be seeing you at Sunday school." The last bit of news made the other girl laugh until the point of hysterics. _

"_You. Sunday school." She sputtered out, choking on the smoke she was trying to exhale. Santana rolled her eyes feeling a little lighter._

_But she could feel someone watching, she didn't have to turn around to know it was Brittany. She knew that she wanted to talk._

_The smile slid from the Latina's face._

"_I've got to go. There's something I've got to do." Quinn gave her a nod of acknowledgement as she watched the girl walking over to Brittany, how her pace slowed and her shoulders slumped. She couldn't be sure. But there was something happening._

_She couldn't be sure. But there was definitely something up._


	11. Chapter 11

**Mea Culpa **

"My Fault"

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters. **

**A/N: **Just wanted to say thank you to **crazyfornaya **and **rawrrr93** for reviewing. **Crazyfornaya **I'm glad you're still reading the fic and liking it (yay!) and **rawrrr93 **I'm glad you're enjoying this too. The big reveal if going to run over these next two chapter so please forgive me! I am writing this as I go along :). If there was every going to be a chapter for people to review I would love it to be this one. So all the people out there, just drop me a line even if it's just a yes keep going or a dudette seriously what the hell are you on? Just anything! Thanks!

* * *

><p>It was 7:50pm.<p>

Ten more minutes until Brittany would be arriving. Ten more minutes for Santana to decide whether or not she would be opening up the door.

She looked around her living room, having added a couple of scenic photos here, a throw there - just so that it wouldn't look as desolate as when Puck visited. She wanted Brittany to think that she had moved on and made this place her new home.

She looked up, 7:52pm the clock read, and she could feel her pulse quicken. She decided a cigarette and some music would calm her nerves. Her trembling fingers reached out to turn the kitchen radio on. The apartment was flooded with sound of Rihanna's voice desperate and pleading – a warning laced hidden beneath the words.

_Te amo, te amo she says to me, I hear the pain in her voice..._

This song had been the only time herself and Britt had danced together.

* * *

><p><em>She watched as Brittany's body flexed to the song, a cascade of spins turning into what appeared to be a tango and then back out again into a slower softer movement. Entranced Santana stepped forward, from out of the shadows and into the middle of the dance studio. Brittany jumped slightly, but settled quickly as Santana held her waist lightly her front pressed into Brittany's back. Their bodies were a blur of movement as they moved in time, rolling gently into each other. Santana began to take charge of the dance, moving their hips forcefully. She dipped lower and slid her hand reverently up Brittany's thigh, leaving a trail of heated skin longing for another touch. She twisted so they were back to back, her hand steady as she reached around for Brittany; she spun her out with ease recapturing her eyes with her own. Santana slid her leg out in between Brittany's forcing her into a succession of ganchos, becoming faster and faster with each movement until they stopped abruptly. <em>

_Santana leant in, the words slipped off of her tongue with ease as she whispered into her ear._

" _Te amo" she rolled the words, the heat was unbearable as Santana laced their fingers together. She had Brittany pinned against the mirror at this point, as she uttered the words again. "Te amo" the words were barely a breath, but they rang loud and clear to Brittany. She leant in, their lips almost touching. _

"_Quiero a beso usted." Brittany didn't need to know Spanish in order to decipher what she was asking, the way her eyes kept focussing on her with such passion it made it clear what she wanted. She closed the minimal distance, surprising the blonde but accepting the kiss willingly. _

_Brittany had never felt anything like this, whilst instinct had taken over and their mouths moved slowly, delicately together. She felt the heat, the searing white hot burning from where Santana's lips brushed hers slowly, savouring each moment. She felt the cool air hit her mouth and she knew Santana had departed. She opened her eyes and she was already across the room._

"_San?" Brittany questioned. She saw the Latina build up to what she was about to say._

"_After everything that's happened, with Sam, Karofsky, Puck and" Santana hesitated, swallowing thickly. "And Finn, I just want to make things right. I want us to be right. But I need time. Is that something that you think you can give me?" She looked up from beneath her lashes at the blonde._

_Brittany paused for a moment, trying to think quickly about what she wanted to say._

"_It's about you San. You have to decide what's right for you. But if you're asking if I'll wait for you then the answer is yes. I will wait for you San. To me you're worth it." She strode a few paces up to the Latina and engulfed her in another soul crushing kiss. She pressed herself tightly into her, wanting to savour this fleeting moment for as long as possible._

"_What the fuck?" the voice sounded out as the two girls flew apart, trying to reduce the redness of their cheeks. _

"_You two are gay now or something?" his voice was incredulous, and then a smirk appeared._

"_You saw nothing Noah – understand me – nothing." Santana spoke the words through clenched teeth the animosity was palpable._

"_I saw plenty. You know she's been screwing me Lopez." Santana snorted with derision until she saw the guilty look in Brittany's eyes._

"_She clearly wants some of the good stuff and she's not going to be getting what she needs from a girl." It was Brittany's turn to talk back but it wasn't what Santana had expected._

"_Puck, please keep quiet. For me. I know we've been, hanging out a lot –" Santana snorted. "But the only thing I ask is that you please don't tell anyone." _

"_Fuck this he's going to tell everyone. He doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut. If you don't I will end you. Understand?" Santana's eyes flared at him but he appeared unaffected. It was then that they knew it was over. When she looked back at Brittany it was with a look of betrayal. She couldn't believe that she had been screwing around with Puck._

* * *

><p>It was 7:58pm when Brittany knocked on the door. She felt sick and tired, she'd been waiting ages for this moment, this opportunity to see her and explain to her why she made the choices that she had made. She smoothed her blonde hair down and then fidgeted with the keys in her hands. She waited a little while; the anticipation was causing her to take in short breaths. The text had come out of nowhere and when Brittany had texted back straight away to confirm she received no reply.<p>

She heard soft footsteps from the other side of the door and then it was swung open revealing Santana. The same Santana who said she'd never be caught dead wearing a plaid shirt and jeans and yet here she was dressed exactly in the way she had protested against not too long ago.

"Hi" she said almost bashfully, Brittany wondered what had happened to the girl she once knew.

"Hey, can I come in?" Santana nodded and stepped to one side, letting her walk on by. The anticipation was palpable; she could feel it in her veins the way her blood pumped furiously as her heart rate increased. She was nervous but she was pretty certain Santana was as well.

Santana reached over for another cigarette and began lighting it.

"Those aren't good for you San. You should quit." Santana gave her a pointed glare.

"Noah told me that you came here to find me, talk to me and then leave. So the sooner we have this conversation the sooner you can go. Then I can pretend you don't exist." Brittany went back to fiddling with her keys. If she had looked up she would've seen the hurt written plainly across the other girls face.

"He really should learn to keep his mouth shut." Brittany mumbled. Santana snorted at this in derision.

"You're only just figuring that out Britt? He should've learnt to keep his mouth shut years ago." She took a deep drag.

"So tell me why you didn't leave with me that night Britt. Tell me everything you think I need to know."

"It started from before that San." Brittany said, her voice pleading. "A couple of weeks before. Before I start this I just want you to know that I always cared for you." Santana looked away out of the window. "It's true San. It has always been you. Remember how I had encouraged you to come out? But Puck told your parents before you could..."

* * *

><p>"<em>It's been a couple of months San since he caught us and he hasn't said anything to anyone. Just please give him a chance." Brittany was sitting on the edge of the bed watching Santana pace up and down. <em>

"_What? The sex between you is so good he's going to keep quiet about it?" Brittany flinched._

_Santana stopped mid-stride. "He's up to something, I know he is Britt. You can't rely on him to keep a secret. A boner yes a secret no. But what is his next move going to be?" _

_Brittany hated it when she worried so much and right now she was on the verge of wearing a hole into the flooring. _

"_Why would it be such a problem anyway? So what if people know, who cares? The only people we have to worry about are our parents." Santana nodded in agreement, although she was pretty certain if Brittany's parents ever found out they would be worse than her own. Every time she went around Britt's place she noticed the dozen or so Jesus on crucifix's dotted around the house watching her as she held hands or kissed her best friend. _

_Britt's parents were strict Christians with a strong conviction for the bible and prayer. The fact that Britt's mom had caught her awhile back that night with Puck knowing that they had obviously done something beyond hold hands was enough for her to restrict Britt's hanging out time with Santana. Santana's own parents had become Christians although not as devout as Brittany's parents. _

"_The thing is Britt if everyone at school knows then it will spread to the adults. Adults who all talk to each other. Adults who speak to our parents." She gave Brittany a long look as she pouted. She crawled onto the bed beside her, entwining their fingers and looking down at them thoughtfully._

"_How long do you think this will last Britt?" _

"_Forever." She replied quickly._

"_How can you be so sure Britt? I mean what if they ever found out?" She worried the back of Brittany's hand with her thumb, making quick, tight circles._

"_It doesn't matter San because you'll always be in here." She gestured to her chest, her heart beating fast. "And I'll always be in there." She pointed to Santana's chest. "They can do whatever they like, but they can't change that San. We don't always have to be together in order to be together. I trust you to always come back to me, just like I know I'll always come back to you."_

_The words brought comfort to the Latina as she settled her lips against Britt's neck. _

"_I trust you Britt. I always will." She continued placing gentle kisses up and down her collar bone, feeling the skin beneath her mouth. She felt smooth like glass pressed firmly against Santana's tongue. She placed her hand over Brittany's heart and felt how it began to pick up a pace. She dropped her head to stare at her hand resting snugly over her heart as if she would be able to protect it. She watched her hand glide down, shakily between her breasts and she could feel Brittany's breathing become laboured. One by one she opened her shirt buttons, there was nothing ravenous about the act, it was all done in adoration of the girl she touched, whose body she wanted to worship with her mouth, tongue and hands. _

_She lay her back gently, seeing a look of uncertainty pass across Brittany's face._

"_What's wrong?" The Latina enquired, stilling her hand on her breast._

"_Are you sure you want to do this San? Are you ready?" She breathed in deeply and looked the other girl squarely in her eyes._

"_I'm ready." There was that feeling again as she pressed her lips to Brittany's, the feeling of touching an open flame. She lay down on top of Brittany feeling every line of her body pressed against her own. Her hand still rested over her heart as she continued to kiss her, slowly, assuredly. She began to fumble with her breast again, unsure of what to do. Fear began to prickle down her spine._

_She pressed on, their legs tangling together silk against silk. Just touching her had elicited so many more emotions than Santana had ever gotten with a boy. Her hands glided up Brittany's thigh, caressing and appreciating this moment. She moved her hand even higher pushing to the edge of her underwear, massaging the skin with her fingertips. She hesitated for a split second and Brittany picked up on it._

"_What's wrong San?" She seemed breathless already._

_Santana blushed slightly and shook her head._

"_San tell me?" She looked into her eyes._

"_I don't know how to..." She raised her eyebrows emphasising the point. _

_Brittany twisted her fingers together with Santana's, guiding her hand up higher and higher until their hands were beneath her underwear. _

"_Let me show you" Brittany smiled lightly._

_Santana kissed her hard as Brittany began rubbing their shared fingertips against herself a deep pink graced her cheeks. Santana kissed her lips once more, and then trailed her mouth back to her neck placing gentle kisses against her flesh. Brittany hesitated; trying to look into the other girls eyes, when she saw no fear there she pushed Santana's fingertips inside of herself. It felt weird to the Latina. Not in a bad way, but not what she expected. _

_Brittany began pushing the Latina's hand controlling her until she became confident with what she was doing. With every movement, every touch she could feel what she was doing to her best friend. To know someone so closely felt like heaven to Santana, she became sure of herself pushing harder inside, creating different movements to see what worked. She began increasing the pressure and speed, feeling the heat rising up. Eventually Brittany grabbed hold of her around her neck placing a kiss there as she came. Santana's heart was beating fast as she looked at Brittany closely, she was so in tune with her as she lay beneath her so open and honest, willing to be this person for her. _

_Santana wanted to say she loved her. She wanted to say it so badly, but something held her back and it hurt. She closed her eyes and kissed Brittany once more on the lips, feeling the light breaths that she was taking after reaching her peak._

_She didn't know what to do or say, she used her free hand to push away a few strands of hair that stuck to Brittany's face. She closed her eyes and felt the pressure of the world settle on her chest. She couldn't be doing things like this if she was straight. She couldn't be enjoying moments like these with another girl if she was straight._

_Santana felt it on the tip of her tongue. These were the words she wanted to say instead of I love you._

"_I'm not straight." Brittany's eyes flew open and locked with the Latina's._

"_What did you say?" Her eyes never leaving Santana's._

"_I'm not straight" she said with more conviction. "I'm not gay either but, I can't be straight. Not if I'm – not if I'm here with you, like this." Brittany leaned up and kissed her._

_She pulled away quickly. "I've got to go." She said getting up quickly disentangling herself from Brittany._

"_San wait!" but it was too late, she was already running downstairs, realising it was her own house she sat in the kitchen staring into the darkness. She could feel the eyes of her own family's crucifix glaring at her, judging her from the shadows. _

* * *

><p><em>The next day at school wasn't so bad, except for the looks and whispers, by now every guy on the football team had claimed to have spent a night with the Latina, of course Puck would give her that knowing look and it unnerved her. <em>

_Brittany tried to talk to her, even silly little things about when was she going to try out for Glee club. After all, Brittany had upheld her end of the bargain and joined the Cheerios – and the celibacy club upon her parent's request, especially after knowing what her best friend had been up to, the made Brittany guilty by association._

"_So –" the sly voice of Noah rang out from behind her, she daren't even turn around to see a smug look on his face. "I know you're all Degeneres on us all now, but do you want to hook up for some Puck lovin' tonight? I'll bring wine coolers." He leant up against the lockers, his confidence radiating from him._

_She had had enough._

"_Fuck off Puck. The day that I fuck you again is the day I have truly lost my mind. You have pencil dick syndrome." The other students in the hallway stopped and stared._

"_Whoa homo. You wouldn't know what good sex is like with a real man because you'd prefer it to come from a girl" he screamed back. That was it. It was over, she didn't even need to see in order to know that everyone had heard and were by now probably texting everyone at school. She slammed the locker door shut._

"_You don't know anything about me." She shouted back._

"_No nothing, nothing at all. Just that you like to dine out on Brittany." There it was, that moment when you know everything would come crashing down._

_She ran through the halls and out to her car, curling up in the seat and wanting to die. _

_Later that night she heard shouting. Her parents were arguing back and forth about who was to blame for their daughter being gay. One of the other parents from their tight knit Christian circle had told them, bringing shame and embarrassment to her parents. _

_It hurt, just everything hurt. They didn't skimp on details either, her parents knew it was with Brittany that she had been sharing this experience with. Her parents had walked right on over and had a screaming match with the Pierce's each blaming the other on how they raised their daughters and who led who astray down the path of sin._

_Santana cried harder when her phone was taken from her and told firmly that she would never see Brittany again. That as soon as they could she would be moving to another school. She didn't even know how Brittany was and that was the part that was scaring her most. _

_At midnight she crept down the stairs, moving silently through the shadows and hoping that Brittany would still be awake. She left the front door ajar as she went outside onto the lawn sticking to the parts cast in darkness. She heard movement nearby._

"_Hello?" she whispered, wondering if it was the right thing to do._

"_San?" came the reply._

"_Britt?" She drew closer and could make out the outline of the blonde. She moved quickly to her side touching her face, her hands just any part she could reach._

"_San are you ok?" she asked quietly. They knew they'd be done for if they were caught._

"_No my parents flipped are you?" Brittany reached for her phone casting a slight blue glow upwards so they could see each other._

"_What do you think?" She retorted and Santana saw it. The dark bruise that lined her cheek._

"_What happened?" Santana ghosted her fingers over the bruise, feeling the rage rise up._

"_My mom freaked and hit me, saying that the devil had won my soul. But she said I could be saved San. I don't know what she meant, but it freaked me out. The way she said, she seemed so calm and sure." Santana saw her slight pout, but she was too angry at Mrs Pierce to care right now._

"_What do you think she was talking about San?" But for once the Latina was clueless._

"_I don't know Britt. I really don't know." She leant in feeling her lips lightly press to Brittany's. She was far from content. She was angry and frustrated. She started to cry, her tears mingling with Brittany's._

"_I'm sorry Britt. I'm so sorry for doing this to you." They embraced tightly in the shadows, wondering what would await them when the sun rose again._

"_It's all my fault" She whispered. _


	12. Chapter 12

**Mea Culpa : "Ab Imo Pectore"**

"From the bottom of my heart"

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters. **

**A/N: **Ok so I read my A/N from the last chapter and there were so many mistakes in it that I seemed drunk. Sadly I wasn't drunk just tired from my job, looking after 30 teenagers just doesn't leave time for sleep anymore. Their complete insanity also explains my lack of updates during a week. So I'm aiming for once a week every Sunday. Thanks again to **crazyfornaya **and **rawrrr93 **for your kind words and thank you to those of you who are reading this ff. Also, this is relatively short in comparison to the last two chapters. But the next one will make up for it!

* * *

><p><em>The days continued on much in the same way. Distance during daylight hours and then rendezvous by night. <em>

_Gradually as time went on Santana's parents began leaving her alone in the house again, the only issue was that they would contact Brittany's parents to make them aware whenever they would be gone. Which would usually result in random Pierce weekends away or Brittany having to visit various relatives who she hadn't even met before._

_It grew harder and harder to see each other, and even though the love was there Santana could feel her slipping away. _

_However, tonight was different._

_Santana always became excited for night to fall, the sky was a deep rich blue, with stars, the little white dots flashing in and out of sight. The clouds were dark and ominous lingering and at times partially obscuring the moon._

_As the hands on the clock struck midnight she crept slowly down the hall, then the stairs missing the 3__rd__ and 5__th__ step as they creaked. She grabbed her keys from the hook and softly clicked the front door closed. She pulled her jacket tighter around herself as she slid out of the light into the dark, searching for Brittany._

_Moments after she felt warm fingers grip her waist and she immediately relaxed into Brittany's touch. _

"_I miss you at school." Brittany nodded into her neck then placed a small, chaste kiss there. _

"_So what are we doing tonight? I don't want to stay out here on the lawn all night." This all was agony to Brittany, during the day she could see Santana but not touch, then by night she could touch but not see. _

"_Take my car, go for a drive, pull over and...talk." Brittany couldn't help but smile at this and started dragging Santana over to her car. _

"_Hurry up San, we haven't got much time."_

* * *

><p>"Brittany, I know all of this did you forget I was actually there? Why don't you cut to the chase and tell me what you wanted to tell?" Santana looked down at her nails as if checking a manicure and a scowl was fixed into place on her face.<p>

"Do you remember what happened that night – what you said?" Brittany's voice was desperate and pleading. She tried to make eye contact with the other girl but she couldn't. She saw Santana shrug her shoulders slightly.

"You told me I was damaged."

* * *

><p>"<em>What's that Britt?" Santana gestured to the small, pink mark just above Brittany's breast.<em>

"_Doesn't matter, just keep kissing me San." Brittany closed her eyes again, tightening her arms around the Latina who was straddling her lap in the backseat of the car. _

"_It does matter – what is it?"_

"_Just a bite" Brittany replied nonchalantly. When there was no movement from the other girl she pried open one eye and saw Santana glaring back. She suddenly felt ill at ease._

"_Just a bite" the Latina echoed. "Who from?" Her gaze was penetrating, it was as if she knew the answer already. _

"_Puck"_

_Santana's eyes began to tear up as she touched the mark, but she pulled her fingers away quickly as if it had burnt her. _

"_Who else Brittany?" Her voice was barely a whisper._

"_Marissa and Karofsky." She wished she had lied now, from the devastated look on Santana's face she wished she had said spiders bite or something._

_Santana moved off of her lap, and for once Brittany didn't try to stop her. Her blood ran cold as she watched her open her mouth then close it clearly trying to find the right words to defend her actions. _

"_Save it Britt, loving you is the reason I was brought into this world and you have destroyed that. You continue to fuck whoever comes by – why? Do you want to just hurt me? Is that it? You're so damaged, in every sense of the word. How could you do it?"_

_Tears were streaming from her eyes, the tension palpable. Brittany knew that she was the cause of this pain, but Santana was so blind to all the pain that Brittany was going through. She wanted to be sure of her sexuality; she wanted to know for certain. _

_Brittany reached out tentatively to touch Santana's shoulder, but her hand came up quickly and swiped it away. Wordlessly she climbed into the front seat and started up the engine. She didn't even look into the rearview mirror, if she had she would've seen Brittany curled tightly into a ball, much like the first time just before they had kissed. _

_Santana wasn't sure what she wanted, whether she wanted to head home or stay out and talk it through. Her natural instincts were to go home, leave Brittany alone and not to talk to her for months. But what she wanted was to break that cycle. She swung the car off onto a dirt trail and carried on until she reached a clearing. _

_She turned around in her seat and poked the blonde to get her attention. _

"_Britt?"_

* * *

><p>"Britt?" She was snapped out of her thoughts, the Latina now standing directly in front of her.<p>

"You started telling me the reason why and then you zoned out on me?"

"Do you know why I slept with Marissa and then Karofsky?" Santana turned away, she didn't want to relive that part at all. She shook her head no.

"I did it so I could figure out who I was. I managed to figure out that I like guys..." Santana's head snapped back up and something akin to anger was showing there.

"But you are my exception. Nobody could come close to you San but at that point you have got to understand that I was trying to find myself too. I know I made it seem like that but it wasn't. I cried myself to sleep practically every night because I didn't know what to do. "

She began fiddling with her necklace out of nervousness. Santana stared a little harder, noticing the pendant was a crucifix being rubbed intensely by the thumb and forefinger of the blonde.

"San, I'm so..."

* * *

><p>"<em>San I'm so sorry. I want to be with you but I just don't know how. If you can tell me a way to do it then I will San. I so will, I'm yours." <em>

_In this darkness Brittany's blue eyes still radiated light and innocence. Santana wasn't sure how, she just knew that she did. They both vacated the car and explored their surroundings. Tall trees stood scattered about the place, some towering so high that their tips looked to be touching the moon. But most importantly was the view outwards, the lights of the town were faint and calming to watch._

"_How long for?" Santana stared her down. "How long will you be mine for Brittany? 5 years? 5 days? 5 minutes? Don't make promises that you can't keep that's just not fair." _

"_How do you know San? I mean what I said. I mean it from the bottom of my heart." She folded her arms and turned to take in the view. Santana looked at her and she could feel her heart breaking._

"_None of this was a good idea Britt. I regret hurting you, and I regret this whole situation. You put this in me." She gestured between them._

* * *

><p>"I waited for you San. Every night I would wait but you would barely show up. All of that time you ran physically and emotionally – but where did it get you? Look where you ended up – in Philly where we said that we would go together."<p>

Santana flared. "How dare you think that you can turn up here and then tell me who I am and what I do. Who the fuck do you think you are? I used to wait for you but you would never show. Too busy fucking around?" She couldn't understand how she could love and yet hate someone so much. She couldn't hold back her rage.

"I wasn't fucking around! You didn't even watch me dance after that San. I lost you in every conceivable way, how can you blame me for that. Trust me I know you better than yourself. Just let me finish explaining and then you can judge me back ok?"

Santana acquiesced. Looking up at the clock it was already midnight and she couldn't help but to note the irony.

"So tell me about the dance Britt..."


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters. **

**A/N**: Ok so this chapter is leaning more towards Brittany's side of things. Anyway, over a thousand of you have read this ff so I just want to say a hearty thank you especially to **crazyfornaya **for your consistent reviewing. I would love to beat my 4 reviews for one chapter sooooo... all reviews welcome remember that! Enjoy and expect another update Sunday.

**Mea Culpa : "****Amor animi arbitrio sumitur, non ponitur****"**

"We choose to love, we do not choose to cease loving"

* * *

><p><em>Brittany glanced nervously out into the crowd, watching as each student filed in unenthused about sitting through yet another dance performance. But she wasn't focussed too much on that, she was anxiously waiting to see Santana appear.<em>

"_Are you okay?" Mike's voice sounded out from behind her as she continued to stare from between the curtains._

"_Yeah, I'm fine just looking for someone." She closed the curtains back up resigning herself to the fact that she wasn't going to show._

_It had been two days since they last saw each other. Two days and it felt like years. At home Brittany's parents were cold; they barely spoke to her except to make sure that she hadn't seen Santana. She caught them at times giving her sideways glances and she could see it, written plainly and laid out bare – she knew they were disgusted with her. She knew they were disappointed and hurt that she could do this to them._

_Then on the other hand she could see the hurt she was causing Santana, the way her eyes had glazed over as she said that she regretted the whole situation. Those words had cut so deeply into her. She didn't want to be this person anymore; she didn't want to keep hurting those that she loved. The drive home had been wordless, and she didn't know what to do anymore. She felt as if she had lost herself along the way down this narrow path that seemed to lead to nowhere. She couldn't see how this was going to play out. Each night after seeing Santana she would sit and stare out into the rising sun and hope that her parents would miraculously accept that this was the path that she had chosen. But she also knew that dreams rarely came true. There wasn't going to be some fairytale ending, there wasn't going to be a big musical number heralding in her future in the most dramatic way possible. She was helpless._

_She wanted to be the perfect daughter and the perfect lover but right now those two parts of her were conflicting. _

_That night had ended with Brittany as confused as ever, the fact that Santana had apologised to her - it hurt; especially when she knew she was the one who had done wrong. But those moments when she had sex with Puck were so easy. She didn't have to think, she didn't have to worry about her parents or Santana or the future. Puck managed to make her forget the pressures and consequences of her choices and Marissa had simply been a moment where she explored; where she had actually done something to help find herself. Even so she just couldn't find a deeper connection with anyone but Santana. _

_Brittany knew if she spoke those words aloud to Santana that she wouldn't understand. If she were to tell her, it would all come out wrong and result in another fight. She couldn't remember the last time they had been happy. _

_Even when Santana had told her she loved her she had been crying. Brittany had been elated until she saw the tears slowly make their way down her cheeks and they hadn't been as a result of being overcome by emotion or joy. They had been tears of confusion, drops of water pushed from her eyes in a moment of vulnerability and inevitability._

_Since this whole thing started from a simple kiss it had been misery and pain and a never ending reel of wrong decisions. _

_Brittany fisted the hem of her jumper, wanting to do something but having no outlet. She had forgotten that Mike was even there until she heard him clear his throat._

"_Is it time to go on yet?" She asked, her voice a whisper._

"_Two more minutes Britt, Figgins has to introduce us first." She turned to face him and could see the look of concern that he was giving her._

_She nodded and continued to stare right through him. She wanted Santana to be here, because she would understand everything a little better after she had danced. She had chosen this song in particular to tell her everything that she couldn't with words. She felt Mike's cool fingertips brush her elbow lightly._

"_It's time." He said disappearing out through the curtains. She took a deep breath and walked out into the spotlight._

_The low thrum of the violin elicited the movement in her. It was as if the plucking of the strings were also plucking at her joints, causing a slow constant flowing of her limbs. She looked over briefly at Mike who seemed equally as lost in the music. She turned her attention back to the audience but she couldn't see properly, the light was so blinding. She closed her eyes and imagined Santana there, her gaze unwavering feeling everything that she was putting out there._

_But she didn't feel that fire, that same familiar burn of being watched so closely by her. _

"_I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile, I wish the way that I dress was your favourite kind of style."_

_She fisted her loose jumper and let the music wash over her. Every single word of this song was everything that she felt and she hoped that it would all be fixed after._

_But a dance routine and a Kate Nash song couldn't help them sort this out, they had to try and do it themselves. But it was as if Santana had given up, Brittany had made mistakes but so had Santana. She felt her step falter; she could sense Mike picking up on it. She never faltered._

"_I wish we could see if we could be something." The words spun out and the instruments had taken on a chaotic sound, causing Brittany to slow down to an eventual stop. She could hear the faint clapping of the audience still as lack lustre as ever. _

_Brittany stepped back from the stage lights behind the safety of the curtains. For the briefest moment she thought she felt intense eyes staring at her as she passed back out of view, but her mind had been tricking her. Santana hadn't been there._

_Mike gave her shoulder a reassuring squeeze and left her alone. He knew not to say anything._

_She didn't want to think right now, so she located her bag and found her phone. She sent a text to Puck asking him to meet her after school. She hauled the bag over her shoulder and began making her way out of the door and down the steps._

"_Britt that was amazing." She looked up to see Marissa standing there, her eyes wide and bright, a small smile playing on her lips._

"_Thanks." She shrugged. "How have you been? Since – you know the last time I saw you." She didn't want to make a direct reference to the one time that they had hooked up. Brittany looked down at the floor quickly, finding her trainers suddenly very interesting. Marissa smiled a little more - she radiated ease and Brittany just wanted to be close to that._

"_I've been fine; I wanted to know how you are though? That dance was intense – like it had a real purpose you know?" Her voice was light and airy, as if she was searching for something._

"_I'm ok, just trying to balance some stuff out." At that Marissa raised an eyebrow._

"_Santana?" Brittany's head shot up._

"_Maybe." She muttered out, Marissa's smile fell a little._

"_She wasn't here you know." Brittany nodded._

"_I know. I just wish she was." Marissa looked thoughtful, and then her smile returned full force._

"_Follow me?" It was more of a question than a command. "I think I can give you what you want."_

_Brittany looked at her in bewilderment, unsure of where this was going to go. But then, when did she ever know where things would lead._

"_Ok." Before the word was barely out of her mouth, she felt herself being pulled along and out into the field. She was being rushed across the grass, being drawn closer and closer to the bleachers. Her heart beat began to quicken and she could feel the blood course through her veins. She saw the unmistakable silhouette of the Latina become defined, no longer a shadow but becoming more detailed until she realised she was standing right in front of her._

_Santana froze, her cigarette paused en route to her mouth._

"_Santana, Brittany has some things she needs to say to you." Marissa pushed her towards the Latina, not noticing the cold glare that the cheerleader was giving her._

"_Take her back." Santana hissed the words at Marissa. That little bit of doubt that Brittany had cascaded into full blown terror and hurt._

_She stopped listening, and was only slightly aware of the argument taking place between the two girls. Santana had closed off indefinitely, Brittany could do nothing now. It was too late._

_She ran as fast as she could, the tears blurring her vision as she pushed as far away as she could. She ran straight into the choir room, not stopping as curious eyes followed her._

_She sat alone in the barely lit room, her knees drawn to her chest and the reassurance of the silence. This wasn't her Santana anymore. _

_She thought back over the times they had shared, constantly tied to each other in one way or another be it friendship or lovers. They were bound together, both of them unwilling to break the habit and yet, both of them searching for a way out._

_Brittany wondered if she did find someone else, that if she loved them even half as much as she did Santana would she give up? With the way things were right now, she couldn't be sure that the answer would be no. Santana may be her first love, but there was nothing set in concrete that there wouldn't be others._

_Who said that their first love would be the only love for the rest of their life? _

_Brittany hadn't known love before Santana, but if this was the way that it was supposed to go she never wanted to feel it again._

_Why did it have to be her? Why couldn't Santana love her back truly? Not the wrought words that Santana had finally delivered as if being forced to. Brittany felt like she had pushed her into saying it in a way, the way she looked at her at times just hoping. Brittany hadn't said the words back either; she had sat there in awe and then distress at seeing the Latina so upset._

_It was like a broken record these thoughts, constantly playing the same things over again, barraged with a lot of what if's and maybe's. _

_But she knew she had to wait for her. She had promised her that much and that is what she would give her. She felt like she was constantly waiting though. Waiting for her parents to accept her, waiting for Santana to accept who she is; Brittany was even waiting to decide who she was herself. So much waiting, but such a short time left._

_So much waiting and no end in sight._

_She felt another presence in the room, she refocused her eyes and recognised Marissa, stepping tentatively towards her, worried that she might frighten her._

"_Brittany? I've been looking for you everywhere." She sat heavily into the chair next to Brittany, a sigh escaping her lips. When she realised that she wasn't going to get any kind of response she continued._

"_Santana is waiting for you. She wants to talk." Brittany raised her eyebrows, her blue eyes becoming noticeably darker. _

"_Well you can tell __**her**__ that if she wants to talk she will have to come to me. I'm not running after her anymore." Brittany steeled herself for a harsh response but instead was filled with dread._

"_I'm already here to talk to you Britt." Brittany stared back at the doorway, finding the familiar Cheerio's uniform, crisp and bright and the unforgettable brooding stare of the Latina. _

_Marissa gave her a weak smile and a shrug of the shoulders. "Just go with it." She whispered, giving Santana a curt nod as she left. _

_She walked into the room cautiously, looking all around her at the posters to do with show choir and photos taken from team meetings and gatherings. _

_Brittany watched her closely, seeing the almost imperceptible change in her demeanour. She tensed slightly, as if she was afraid of even being seen in such an environment._

"_Miss Sylvester said she wants you in practice tomorrow." Santana was at a loss as to how to start the conversation._

"_I quit. It was meaningless anyway the deal was that you would join New Directions and come to the meetings. Which you didn't. Which means I don't have to dance around showing off my spanks." _

"_It's not so bad." Santana didn't know what else to say, so she was saying whatever happened to come to her mind._

"_So why do you want to talk all of a sudden? What did Marissa say to you?" Santana snorted at the name._

"_She told me that you two didn't go as far as I thought you did and that for us to get back to the way we were we needed to start talking. So you go first because I don't know what to say." Santana bit back the venom in her voice as she saw Brittany swipe at her teary eyes with the back of her hand._

"_San..." The Latina looked at the blonde unwaveringly. "San, I want to be with you. But only when I have figured myself out and when you have figured yourself out. We need to be certain." _

_Santana had already begun shaking her head. Brittany thought what she had proposed was sensible, so she couldn't figure out Santana's angle._

"_Britt, you need to show me that I can trust you. I can't take the idea of you being with Puck or someone like that again, I just need you to prove it to me." Brittany felt infuriated. Santana had already begun to dictate and demand with no regard for how she was feeling or what she wanted._

"_No" It was barely audible but Santana heard it loud and clear._

"_Why not? You were the one who hurt me, so it's only fair." Brittany gritted her teeth._

"_Think about it San. Only come back to me when you have figured it out." _

"_Fine!" The Latina shouted. "I don't need this. I don't need you!" She left quickly, destroying anything and anyone in her path. _

_Brittany watched her retreating form; wishing that she would figure it out quickly and save them both from heart ache. _

* * *

><p>"So, I still don't get it Britt. Why didn't you come with me? Why did you abandon us? I know we got mad sometimes but it was never enough for us to actually part ways."<p>

Brittany stared at her – hard, trying to decipher what was different about this Santana. Then she realised what it was. Her eyes were clear, carrying a wealth of acceptance and clarity as opposed to the confusion she harboured in their senior year.

"It wasn't just the confusion of our relationship San. It was something else. I'm sorry San, I'm so so sorry."

In the distance a crack of thunder pounded into the sky the lightening followed shortly after. The brilliant flash of white light illuminated everything in the room. For a moment it looked like heaven, except here is the place where fallen angels rest.


	14. Chapter 14

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters. **

**A/N: **Yay! 6 reviews for the last chapter – keep them coming as you've all spoilt me now. Just would like to give a big thank you to **yourcrackerjackx, rawrrr93, straightupbitch, crazyfornaya, gotlovetokill and Bottle It Up25 **for reviewing**. **As for **straightupbitch** and **gotlovetokill** that's fine about reviewing – just glad that you have! Riteo, this chapter is the reveal. Listened to "The Weakness In Me" by Joan Armatrading on repeat whilst writing this chapter. Very heartfelt song I love it.

Please review! P.s. whoever added my ff to the Brittana community thank you so much! I only noticed the other day :)

**Mea Culpa : Virtutem in temporibus infirmitatis inveni**

"Find strength in your moments of weakness"

_Brittany was left alone in the choir room, feeling the sting of another rejection. The difference between them wasn't a simple matter of sexuality but more the aspect of acceptance. Brittany accepted that they were both in the wrong, whereas Santana was more concerned with placing blame. _

_So when Santana expected Brittany to take all the blame and do all the grovelling, she couldn't help but become defensive and fight for herself. She wasn't going to be walked all over anymore. The times when she used to make out with Santana and then be easily dismissed by a wave of her hand, or wake up to find that she wasn't there and even that rule that Santana had had about not speaking at school – it was all so petty and yet she had accepted it for so long. _

_But she had feelings too, but Santana seemed to think she was the only one hurting._

_15 minutes later, Marissa came in, hands clasped tightly around the tops of the Latina's shoulders and the keys to the choir room dangling out of her pocket. Brittany couldn't help but think it odd, but was too distracted by the rhythmic jingling emanating from metal hitting metal. _

_Marissa pushed Santana in, gave a little wave to Brittany then closed the door quickly hearing the distinct sound of the key sliding into the door, twisting and effectively locking them within the room._

"_Let me out now you bitch!" Santana screamed pounding her fists on the door as if she had forgotten that Brittany was even there. _

"_You two need to talk" came the muffled reply from Marissa. "If that means locking you in so be it. You're so stubborn Santana, pull your head out of your arse and see, listen and take in everything that she says to you. You too Brittany."_

_Santana turned slowly remembering all of a sudden that she was still in the room. She mumbled something under her breath and walked slowly towards her, not meeting the inquisitive gaze that Brittany was bestowing._

"_Let's get this over with so we can leave." She folded her arms expectantly and Brittany mimicked the action. She would never surrender again._

"_I'm waiting Britt." She stared her down._

"_Waiting for what exactly?" She replied nonchalantly, meeting her gaze with a fire that Santana had never seen before._

"_Apologise, then we can make out and then we can get back to everything as usual." She began inspecting her nails, a sign that Brittany recognised as being dismissive and demanding, as if the person about to speak isn't worthy of her full attention._

"_I'm not apologising."_

_She looked up again to see Brittany's teeth clenched. For a moment, Santana recognised elements of herself in her. Santana always got to see the real her, the intelligent, insightful and strong side. In return Santana gave her glimpses of her vulnerable, sensitive and weak side. In every conceivable way they worked regardless of being polar opposites._

_But right now they weren't working, and Brittany could see Santana struggling with the reasons why. _

"_What?" _

"_I said I'm not apologising San. I've done wrong but so have you." She stood in front of the Latina dominant and so self assured._

"_Listen, you were the one who cheated. You lied to me that's a big deal compared to the things that I have done."_

"_In order for me to have cheated we would've had to have been a couple then right? Except we weren't, I didn't lie because – news flash San- you never ask me a question. How you feel right now is how I felt every time you would leave me or dismiss me. You used me San, you would get what you wanted and then you would be too busy self loathing to actually realise there is someone else involved in all this too. I hurt too, I'm confused too. Why is it so hard for you to believe that I can feel the same things as you?" Brittany couldn't stop the outpouring of emotion becoming too much._

"_BECAUSE ONE OF US HAS TO BE STRONG!" Santana screamed, her anger bursting through as she slammed her fist against the wall._

_Brittany was surprised to say the least. She had never thought that she was the strong one, the constant need that Santana expressed to protect her made Brittany think that Santana thought her weak. _

"_And Britt, I'm not strong. I... I can't do this without you. I need you to show me the way."_

_Brittany paused for a moment, rolling the words around in her mind._

"_Why can't we discover the way together? I can't be the sole purpose of this entire relationship San. We've got to go through this as a partnership. I love you, but we can't carry on like this."_

_She registered the words she had just spoken, as apparently Santana had because her mouth had opened slightly, her eyes wide. She wished she hadn't said those words right now; she wanted the time when she said it to be romantic – and she hadn't been sure if she was going to say them at all._

_She wishes she could pluck the words from the air, because right now they were hanging heavy in the room, weighted down by the silence and magnifying every breath in the room._

"_Listen San, I want you, but we are going around in circles. Please, just sit and think about this San. For me. Do it for me." She looked at Santana hopefully, when she saw her brow furrow and her lips purse slightly she knew that she was thinking about it._

"_For you." That was all the confirmation that she needed. Brittany smiled at her, hoping that she appeared to be reassuring. _

_Brittany stood up and walked over to the door pushing it open with ease._

"_How did you do that? Marissa locked us in!" _

_Brittany's eyes sparkled with mischief for the first time since this whole mess started._

"_I heard her unlock it whilst we were talking. She was just making sure you weren't going to run away." Santana looked at her in awe. _

"_You really are the smartest girl I know." Her cheeks reddened as she said them, but Brittany appreciated it. _

_Santana looked like she wanted to hug her, her fingers twitched as if they were itching to find Brittany and commit every inch of her skin to her memory. She knew that they wouldn't see each other for awhile, but it filled Santana with a dull ache and yet, hope. _

"_See you around Britt." With that she disappeared._

_Brittany's phone vibrated in her pocket, as she stared at the screen she remembered the proposition she had sent Puck earlier._

"_Meet you by your locker. P. X"_

_Brittany wouldn't cancel. After all her and Santana weren't going out, and she still needed to focus on herself. Just like Santana would be doing._

* * *

><p>"So you fucked Puck again – is that what you're trying to tell me?" Santana's sharp voice brought Brittany out of her reverie.<p>

"I did and I'm sorry. I thought it was right at the time. I guess we both had sex with him for two very different reasons. You wanted to protect me from him. I wanted to protect myself from you." Santana raised an eyebrow at this, fully understanding what she meant. It was like a repetitive kick to her stomach, revelations hurt so much more than ignorance.

* * *

><p>"<em>San what are you doing here?" She whispered out of her window staring down into the darkness but making out the silhouette of the Latina. The silver glow of the moon made her look like some celestial being, the rich darkness of her hair falling in careful waves, crafted by her hours before this midnight meeting. Brittany felt the sting of holding back her tears, all she wanted was to let them fall freely.<em>

"_I need to talk to you!" She stage whispered, looking all around her quickly to make sure that neither one of their parents had woken up. Satisfied that they hadn't she stared back up, then eyed the side of the house trying to figure out a safe way up._

_Brittany slid out of view, stepping softly as she went not wanting anyone to stir in the house. She unlocked the front door and walked back up, reappearing at her window._

"_Door is open. Tread quietly." For added emphasis she held her index finger poised in front of her pursed lips. _

_She heard her, slow soft feet pressing into the carpet as she made her way too Brittany. To her home._

"_I know it's only been ten days since we had spoken, but I've been thinking a lot. I'm here to support you Britt. I want to be the one you come to for help, I want to be there for you. Once before you said you would wait for me and now I say the same for you – I will wait for you until you are ready."_

_Tears began filling Brittany's eyes as her hands reached out, grasping and fisting her hands into the Latina's top. Santana wrapped her arms protectively around her, drawing her in until she could feel every breath that she took. They blended together, imperfect opposites seeking something in the other. _

_Santana began crying but she wasn't sure why, Brittany was so close, it hurt. Her lips were almost touching the Latina's, she wanted her so badly. She could feel gentle breaths falling upon her lips, caressing her like velvet and making her want Brittany all the more. She tightened her grip on the blonde wanting more contact and getting it wherever she could._

_The Latina closed her eyes in anticipation, feeling the warm breaths give way to moist, pliable lips on her own. She felt the blonde's grip tighten on her clothing even more, and she knew she would never be able to wear these clothes again. She felt Brittany's other hand slide up and around, tracing light patterns on her back eliciting a multitude of sensations to course through her body. Their tears began to dry, a few stray drops mingling together as their mouths continued to press together._

_Santana pushed Brittany's top up slightly and began dragging a smooth fingernail up and down her spine. She could feel the heat of the moment, building and building. _

_They pulled apart a moment. "I want you Brittany. I want you in any way that you are willing to give to me."_

_Brittany reached for her hand, twisting their digits together. She led her to her bed and sat on the edge, bringing the Latina's palm up to her mouth she pressed her lips tenderly against her skin. Santana could feel it, it was like an itch from the inside sitting low in her chest and spreading throughout her body. It made her squirm._

_Santana moved to straddle Brittany, teetering precariously on the edge of the bed along with the blonde. Brittany shifted the both of them back and continued to fondle and stroke any exposed skin. Santana could feel the pressure swelling inside, it was sweet but unbearable all at once. _

_They continued to touch, and share feather light kisses and caresses, as their lips began to move with urgency, sliding and slipping against one another. Brittany's breath was laboured, feeling the measured rhythmic rocking of the Latina's hips against her own. _

_She wanted to take this as far as it could go, because she knew that this may be the last time that they could be close like this._

_Brittany's fingers grazed down from the Latina's lower back down her front and then rested on her jeans. Santana's kisses didn't even falter as Brittany undid the button and then unzipped the jeans. _

_She pushed her hand into the front of her jeans as far as they could go, once her fingers were close enough Santana began rocking unashamedly against her. She could feel how moist she was, the Latina's underwear damp from being turned on. Brittany would be lying if she said she wasn't the same._

_Santana's breathing became heavier as she increased her rocking wanting to relieve the itch ever since Brittany had looked at her. She stopped though and Brittany opened her eyes looking up into deep brown ones, a confusion written plainly across her face._

_Santana removed her hand and pushed against her shoulder slightly, getting her to lie down._

"_Together Britt." _

_She began stripping off the blonde's trousers; with each inch revealed she pressed a kiss reverently to the exposed flesh. She threw them away into the dark and began kissing her way back up. They undressed each other, their hands fumbling in the blackest of nights against each other, smoothing over their broken promises and indifference during daylight hours within the safety of Brittany's bed sheets. Touches ran over breasts and eyes and mouths, eventually running down to feel each other intimately._

_They had stopped kissing, instead lying on their sides staring deeply into one another's eyes as they began rocking, completely naked into each other's palms. The tension was building, coiling in the pits of their stomach's waiting in anticipation for the ultimate release. _

"_What the fuck is going on? Get out!" The familiar voice of Mrs Pierce emanated from the doorway; a sliver of golden light cast itself against the two girls caught in the ultimate sinful act._

"_I warned you Brittany. That girl is leading you to the devil!" She screeched her voice getting higher and higher as Santana tried locating her clothes and Brittany's as well." She could feel Brittany wince from beside her as she pulled her top back on._

"_Let's go Britt. We don't need to stay here." She huffed, holding her hand out to Brittany as she pulled her trousers back on._

_The next thing she felt was the blistering hardness and speed of the back of Mrs Pierce's hand across her cheek. It felt like fire and she could've sworn the felt the hatred ooze out of the contact. Santana had a moment of shock before she composed herself and went to strike Brittany's mother. The adrenaline was pumping ferociously around her body, preparing herself for a full on fight, but strong arms pushed her back and she could see the tears escaping from Brittany's eyes._

"_San don't, stop it please, San stop!" _

_Right now, Brittany was the only thing between a full on fight breaking out between her mother and her lover. Santana's hand flew out, leaving scratch marks down the forearms of Mrs Pierce._

"_San leave quickly. Hurry." Santana hesitated a moment, looking between Brittany and her mother. She stopped struggling and ran, knowing that soon enough they would get past this. _

_She heard the screaming engulf the house as she ran out of the door, she paused wanting to run back, but considering it was Brittany screaming obscenities it seemed she didn't need her help. As she pushed through her own front door she found her own mother standing there staring at her wide eyed and disapproving. _

_It was almost as if she knew what had happened._

* * *

><p>"And then after that night you completely blanked me Britt. I didn't see or hear from you."<p>

Brittany hung her head, taking in a deep lungful of air.

"I had a good reason." She whispered.

"You broke me Britt. I laid everything on the line for you. I turn up, throwing things at your window until you open it, beg you to come with me to Philly so we can start a new life away from all the shit at school and at home and you say no. You say you can't – then worst of all you tell me you don't love me. So what was this good reason? Why couldn't you come with me?"

"My mom signed me up for reparative therapy. I'd already started it by the time you came to my window. I was messed up in my mind. As part of it, I had to stop motocross and dance instead I had to do cookery. I had to avoid men unless it was for romantic contact and only spend time with heterosexual women so I could mimic them. I had to attend church and increase my flirtations with men. But no sex. Definitely no sex, which was something else that was included in my therapy."

Santana's jaw dropped. She could feel the anger subside slightly, but then it rose up even higher when she realised that she had entered into it willingly.

"So you were trying to reject being bi? After all that crap you gave me about being true to myself and there you went trying to change yourself. What am I supposed to do now? Forgive you?"

Santana's fists were clenched by her sides. She feared that she would throw something, so she reached back for her cigarettes.

"So are you trying to tell me your straight now?" She said candidly as she lit up.

"I'm not straight, I'm bi-sexual San. No amount of therapy could change that. Or who I love." She looked up from beneath her lashes.

"So why did you say yes to therapy? Was it just to spite me?"

"San, no of course no-"

"-because it sure as hell seems like it" Santana retorted.

"San please, just let me finish I-"

"-you what? You decided to wake up one day and ruin everything that we worked so hard to build up." The blonde began to get flustered.

"You know it's not like that. I loved you, I still do. But there were things. Things that decided for me to try and be 100% straight. But I... I...-"

"Things being your mom? Face it, when it came to me or your family you chose them. Even though they treated you like shit!" Santana's eyes were wide, her nostrils flaring slightly.

"I was pregnant ok!" Brittany buried her face in her hands.

"What?"

* * *

><p>"<em>I said I'm pregnant mom. Puck is the father." <em>

_Mrs Pierce stood there, horrified. Not only was her daughter bi-sexual, but she had engaged in pre-marital sex and gotten pregnant._

"_You're not my daughter." She said, backing away. "You're not my daughter." She repeated._

"_Mom please-" the tears flowed freely, unabashedly. "I'll do anything mom. Anything you tell me to do and I'll do it."_

"_We'll take you to therapy. This homosexuality is a disease of the mind. You'll be fine, and then you'll be my daughter again."_

_Brittany nodded silently, as her mother left, she was all alone in the stillness of her room._

_She looked out of the window at the coming dawn. In her mind she whispered a farewell to Santana, hoping that in some small way, she happened to know. She wanted her to know everything._


	15. Chapter 15

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters.**

**A/N: **Thank you to **Lanter, rawrrr93, crazyfornaya, gotlovetokill and Bottle It Up25 **for reviewing you guys are awesome. As always please leave a review it tells me if I'm doing something right or something wrong!

* * *

><p><strong>Mea Culpa: Amor meus amplior quam verba est.<strong>

"My Love Is More Than Words."

_Brittany eyed her father surreptitiously at breakfast, knowing that her mom had told him every single detail. The little eye contact that they had shared before had dwindled down to nothing, his face hidden by a newspaper. She barely saw her sister as her parents made a conscious effort to keep them apart. They were acting as if homosexual tendencies could be caught, like a common cold or a fever. _

_She dragged her spoon through the milk, her cheek resting on the knuckles of her hand sighing loudly. Her father cleared his throat, her mother continued to scrub the pans in the sink. She remembered the times they would sit down together, and talk animatedly about their lives. Her father would ask questions about school, whilst her mom would sit there and watch her proudly as she would talk about all the lessons she had. She would talk about all the lessons she had with Santana._

_She wondered why she hadn't seen it before, their hatred for anything different, or contradictory to the Bible. _

_She didn't want to be different anymore, or rejected by everyone she loved. So she vowed to herself right then and there that she would do anything to make her parents proud of her again._

"_Mom..." Her hands stopped scrubbing furiously and instead hunched her shoulders over, sliding her palms out of the water and along the counter top as if to support herself._

"_Dad?" He cleared his throat again, the paper tilting slightly so she could barely see his eyes._

"_I just want you to know I will be straight. I will make you proud of me again." Her father rested the paper on the table top, just as her mom wheeled around to face them both._

"_You __**are**__ straight Brittany, the only way you can make us proud is if you bring that baby up as a good Christian." Brittany faltered._

"_But Puck is Jewish?" It came out as more of a question but Brittany wasn't sure why. Her mom threw her hands up into the air exasperated._

"_Of course he is." She replied in a biting tone. _

_Brittany went back to stirring her uneaten cereal, watching as the Lucky Charms turned the milk into an array of swirling colours._

"_What kind of a name is Puck?" Her father replied, his tone dismissive. It was the first time that he had actually spoken words to her for awhile._

"_What is his real name?" He continued to press further._

_Brittany wasn't sure if she wanted to share that particular piece of information, but figured why not? How much worse could it get._

"_His full name is Noah Puckerman. He's in my class at school, and well – he doesn't know about any of this yet." She gestured to her stomach just for added emphasis._

"_Well after school today me and you are going to take a little trip to see Noah's parents and see what they have to say about it all. He had taken advantage of you and now he has got to own up to it." The conversation was cut off then as he raised the barrier once more, the paper effectively stopping any further debate or discussion on the matter. Her father's word was final. _

_Brittany wasn't sure if she could cope with all of this. She could feel her stress levels rising. Between her parents finding out she was bi-sexual and pregnant and Santana not knowing the latter, telling Puck that she was expecting their baby rated very low on her priority list. _

"_I'm sorry" she whispered, but neither one of her parents responded, to them she was invisible. She picked up her bowl and walked over to the sink, when she neared her, her mom moved slightly away it cut so deeply knowing that she managed to physically repel her own family. _

_She wasn't angry at them – how could she be really? Santana had been telling her all along how wrong it was to be gay and now her parents were doing the same thing. Brittany tried to win the fight with Santana, she tried so hard to be ok so that Santana could find peace being herself and being comfortable in her own skin; but there is only so much you can do when you're not really sure who you are and trying to be ok with it all too. _

_Brittany darted out of the house quickly wanting to escape the quiet whilst she could. Today would be the last day she was at school, her parents were taking her out completely so that she could be home schooled. Her pregnancy was too a shameful a secret to leave her out in the open, so she resigned herself to the fact that she would be confined within four walls and that she wouldn't see Santana or her friends for a while._

_When she thought of Santana and what they could've been she felt an ache, a desperate longing for someone she couldn't have. She had already vowed to her parents that she would be straight and that's exactly what she was going to do._

_She walked into school and saw her straight away, leaning up against her locker waiting. Brittany knew that she had been waiting for her._

"_Britt" Santana sighed her name. When she saw that Brittany wasn't stopping, she furrowed her brows._

"_Britt?" she repeated a little assertively. Brittany looked up and shook her head, dropping her eyes to the floor as she continued to walk past without a single word._

_She didn't know what to say, she didn't know how to explain everything without hurting Santana further. She was so lost in her thoughts that she didn't notice Kurt stepping out from the side to lay a gentle hand on her shoulder._

"_Britt? What's going on?" His said his voice laden with concern. _

_When she saw the sincerity in his eyes, she began to cry, heavy, heart breaking sobs causing him to wrap his arms tightly around her. He caught Santana staring from over Brittany's shoulder. When she made a move to walk towards them he shook his head softly. Her footsteps faltered, reluctantly she stayed where she stood, but he could see the fear and confusion._

"_Shh" he chanted, tightening his hold around her. "Shh, everything is going to be ok. Everything is going to be fine." He cradled her, as her chest convulsed, trying to get more oxygen but unable to._

"_Come with me Britt ok? We'll go to the choir room you can tell me about it there." He let go and began rubbing her back tenderly as they walked slowly away from the corridor. He looked back and glared at the Latina – it was a warning. _

_Santana felt like kicking everything and anything, she wanted desperately to talk to her but it was as if Brittany had shut down completely. It was as if she didn't know who she was anymore._

* * *

><p>"Who are you? I don't even know who you are anymore Britt." She shook her head slowly from side to side.<p>

"I-"

"-so let me guess, you have come here to tell me that you and Puck are now married with little Puck jr.? You want me to be a godmother or something is that it?" Santana enunciated each syllable, she felt dangerous and on edge. Right now she felt like she was capable of anything.

"Damn it Santana, if you just let me get my words out I'll tell you everything! There is no marriage, there is no Puck jr. Or any baby for that matter. Shortly after you left, I had a miscarriage. Puck was there for me through one of the hardest times in my life when no-one else was, not even you."

Brittany knew what she wanted. She knew on some level all along, but she wasn't happy to carry on living a lie for the sake of other people. She was going to start living for herself.

"He still slept around, he wasn't a saint, but he understood and he was _there_ which counted for a lot."

Santana couldn't help but take offence to everything that Brittany was saying. After all, Brittany was the one who had driven her away with her harsh words and now she's telling her that she should've stayed and been there for her like Puck.

"So what you're trying to tell me is this is my fault because I left and wasn't there for you?" Is that what you are trying to say?"

"That's not what I'm saying San. I'm telling you what happened, and that's just the way it played out. But if I was picking the person who I wished would've been there, then yes it would have been you."

Santana felt like she was hurting all over, physically and emotionally. She looked up at the clock, they had surpassed midnight and the early morning, and Santana was starting to feel exhausted.

"Brittany, I'm going to go to bed." Brittany felt a flutter of hope in her chest – it was unrealistic of her to believe that she would be asked to stay but still she wanted to so badly.

"Come by later at 8, we'll finish talking." The detachment in her voice unnerved Brittany, and the realisation that she wouldn't get the chance to say crushed that hope that she held.

She nodded and looked at her once more.

"Promise?"

The way she said it made her seem so innocent, Santana knew that she was far from it, but even so, she couldn't stop the slight smile forming on her lips.

"I promise" she said as she walked into her bedroom, closing the door softly behind her.

Brittany sighed as she got up and left. On the way back to her 'home' she couldn't help but kick up mounds of snow, the frustration slowly ebbing out to full blown anger. She wishes she could rewind time, so that she could speak to her younger self and tell her exactly what she should do.

* * *

><p>She hadn't realised how emotionally drained she was until Santana dismissed her. Still feeling angry, as soon as she opened her own front door she located Puck and started shouting at him.<p>

"You ruined my life!"

"Britt we've been through this already. I said I'm sorry but you've got to take some of the blame too." He seemed unaffected by her rage, pouring out a glass of coke and wandering through to their living room – Brittany following closely behind.

"Why couldn't you have said no? Why didn't you do a decent thing for me when we were younger? Why did it take a pregnancy and a miscarriage to get you to actually take into account my feelings?"

Puck winced, he knew he had made so many mistakes when he was younger, mistakes that he would undo, starting with how he treated Santana and ending in not having sex with Brittany.

"Listen B, I can't take it all back. I would if I could but I can't, just like you can't undo all the hurt that you caused Santana. I always loved you as a friend and I loved Santana as something more than that. I won't deny it I was a fuck up when I was younger. But you can't place all the blame on me. I know you're doing it because it's easier than blaming yourself... or Santana. Tell me that we haven't begun to work out all of our issues though? If you can say that honestly then you can continue to rant."

He took a sip of his coke as silence descended, making it awkward and tense.

"We have" she said dejectedly. "I just, I can't cope. She's so close physically, but emotionally she is so far away, and I'm not sure if I can get her back. All this time I have held onto the hope that maybe she could be mine, it's been easier that way. But now not knowing if she will be mine, I don't know what I would do. I just don't know Noah."

"Well-" he said, pausing dramatically. "If you two don't get together I think I might try my luck." His smile got stuck halfway when he saw the look of disgust on Brittany's face.

"Or maybe not. Sorry Britt, inappropriate I know." She stalked out of the room, slamming doors as she went, Puck flinched with every loud bang.

He rubbed his face with his hands, he was wondering if stress was contagious, if it's possible to have sympathy stress. The way he was feeling right then his answer was yes – it is entirely possible.

Brittany was curled up into a ball on her bed, thinking about the day when she found out she had miscarried. She remembered the words her mother spoke, saying that it was a sign of God, punishing her for the way she was. She remembered the pain, the loss, the sorrow that overwhelmed her as everything was a hazy blur of activity. She remembered crying a lot, she hadn't planned on becoming pregnant, but even so she felt like a part of her had gone missing. Every now and again she would see children on the street and wonder what her baby would have looked like. What they would've been like. Would they have had her blue eyes? Would they have had Noah's tan skin? Would they have loved the snow as much as she did? Would they have had Noah's street smarts? All these questions that tortured her and would forever more go unanswered, all these questions that only succeeded in hurting her further.

She started crying again, thinking about all of these things that would never happen. Things that she shouldn't dwell on, but she did anyway because in some small way it helped to cry, even if it wouldn't change anything it would make her feel better.

She was surprised when Noah came in, holding a glass of water and a chocolate bar. He placed them on the side and without hesitation climbed onto the bed, curling around behind her.

"I'm sorry B, I'm so sorry." Brittany could swear she felt teardrops falling onto her top. Puck was crying, confirmed by a loud sob seconds later. He wrapped his arms around her and she rested her hands on top of his.

"I'm sorry too Noah. I'm sorry too."

* * *

><p>Santana was pacing her room, making a mental list of everything that Brittany had revealed. Firstly, Brittany was trying to deal with being bi-sexual. Secondly, she was attending reparative therapy sessions as commissioned by her mom. Thirdly, she was pregnant with Noah's child. Fourthly, she miscarried. Lastly, she said that she didn't love her on the night when Santana ran away.<p>

But Santana knew she loved her. She always had done. But she was terrified of her. Right now she wasn't sure of anything, she wasn't even sure if she would open the door up at 8 tonight, because she was afraid Brittany might surprise her with something else and she didn't know if she would be able to cope.

She massaged her temples slowly, trying to relieve some tension so that she could lie down and let sleep consume her.

She wondered what Brittany was doing at that exact same moment.

Is she thinking of me? She thought, realising it was dangerous territory she put on some music so that it would stop her from thinking.


	16. Chapter 16

**Mea Culpa : Amor Gignit Amorem**

_"Love Creates Love."_

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters.**

**A/N: gotlovetokill **and **crazyfornaya **thank you for your continued support. After this chapter I am taking a short hiatus so that I can do the ending justice. Right now I'm still in an angst ridden frame of mind hence why I have started my other ff. I will be returning to this ff in 3 weeks maximum. Thank you again everyone!

C x

* * *

><p>Santana woke up in a cold sweat, panting heavily. Her dream had started off intense, powerful and erotic. Brittany's fingers were touching her everywhere eliciting fire and passion. But just as quickly as the pleasantness of Brittany's body - lithe and lean and had been writhing against her own, it soon gave way to darkness; her mind was recalling a memory, but twisting it so that it didn't quite make sense.<p>

"Brittany where are you going?" she called out, but it was too late, she had already disappeared. Slipping in between the shadows, Santana reached out blindly, fumbling through the blackness and tripping over her own feet. Soon she was pressed up against a brick wall, her palms pushing and pushing but unable to move it from her path. She looked up to see trellis practically embedded into the wall and just beyond that was Brittany, a bright light shining behind her as her blonde hair trailed down resembling Rapunzel stuck in her tower. She beckoned to her waving her hand and mouthing words that Santana couldn't decipher. She wandered around, finding no doors or windows to sneak through so she began securing her feet into the gaps of the trellis, slowly but surely making her way higher and higher.

She climbed until she could no longer see the ground, but she seemed to be no closer to Brittany.

"Britt, why are you so far away?" But all she could see was Brittany's mouth moving but no sound coming out.

She climbed and climbed until her legs ached, she contemplated letting go the tiredness was so overwhelming. Just as she was about to she found a soft hand capture her own, looking up into the bright shining face of Brittany.

"Britt, they won't let us be together. So, I have been thinking about it a lot and... will you come with me to Philly? They won't find us there and we can finally be happy. We can be together."

"I don't love you San." She could finally hear Brittany's velvet voice announcing all of her fears in one go.

"You were just sex San, nothing more. I'm sorry." She let go, she was falling and it seemed to be never ending. She felt weightless, she didn't know how long she had been falling for, but she could sense the ground nearing.

"I'm sorry" was being repeated over and over again. The ground came in to view and Santana closed her eyes, bracing herself for the impact.

Instead she sat up with a jolt, which brought her back to this moment. She gripped the sheets tightly, glancing at the clock it read 7:45pm. She still felt exhausted and only had 15 minutes until Brittany was due back.

Santana stretched out across the bed, clicking and twisting her joints preparing herself to leave the warm confines of her duvet.

A soft knock resounded through the apartment, without a second thought Santana sprang from the bed to the front door. Swinging it open she remembered she was still in her shorts and tank top, she looked back down at her feet shyly.

"I can come back later?" Brittany's voice lilted.

"No it's fine. Come in, I'll just get changed. Just – wait."

Brittany stared after her, taking in the sight of a just-woken-up Santana a familiar ache making its self known. She had missed her so much.

"So how did you find me?" Santana's voice echoed through the apartment, interrupting Brittany's thoughts.

"I just searched around Philadelphia, plus, Noah has some police contacts. I'm glad that you aren't drinking as much."

Santana couldn't help but feel violated. One little charge of being drunk and disorderly and that was how she was located. She wanted to hit Puck all over again. She pulled a crimson jumper over her head, scooping her hair out from being tucked into the jumper she made her way into the living room.

"So you think it's ok to pry into my private life? What's the name of these officers?" She began scrabbling from draw to table top back to another draw in search of paper and pen.

Brittany stepped forward, interrupting Santana's searching.

"No I don't think it's ok to pry, but I really wanted to find you. Is it such a bad thing? Me being here?"

"Yes it is. There was a reason I decided to leave without you – and that was to put distance between us. You said you didn't love me, you went back on every promise you made me, so what do you expect from me?"

Brittany didn't know what to say. It seemed that regardless of everything that she had revealed and explained Santana couldn't see beyond herself.

"Did yesterday mean nothing to you? I thought you had grown, changed even since you left. But now I see exactly how you are – you're still selfish, stuck on yourself and nobody else."

She stepped towards the door.

"If you leave now Brittany then that will be it!" Santana's voice was shrill and loud as Brittany took another step closer to the door.

"But I thought that's what you wanted San? Me to just leave and not come back." Santana bit her lip, trying to think of something clever yet cutting to say, before she could say anything the blonde was gone, dashing down the stairs at a break neck speed.

"Britt wait!" She called down the stairs. "Britt I want to talk to you. I need to talk to you."

"About what?" Came the muffled reply.

"About our mistakes, starting with right now. I'm sorry Britt. Just – please come back up? I don't want us to talk like this." Santana's voice was desperate and needy.

Brittany slowly reappeared, her face the epitome of confusion.

"So I know what I want, but what do you want San?"

"I want..." her lips became dry, her thoughts a whirlwind of contradictions. She wanted her to leave, she wanted her to stay.

Most of all, she wished that none of this had happened at all. That they had never been parted.

"I want us to figure this out Britt, because right now I don't know what I want from this."


	17. Chapter 17

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters. **

**A/N: **Happy Halloween UK! Ok so after a hiatus here's a chapter, sort of a happy Glee-eve ff. Anyway, I'll keep it brief, but please review!

* * *

><p>Brittany stood hesitantly, she knew that Santana wasn't going to welcome her with open arms, but she had at least thought they would be civil. Instead it seemed that they had regressed back into who they were before, constantly making the wrong choices. Brittany felt like Santana had always put her on a pedestal, and now that she had revealed her own past mistakes it was as if the Latina couldn't cope with the imperfections that was being laid before her.<p>

"Come inside Britt" her voice was softer now, almost child-like. Brittany stepped inside wondering where this night's conversation would take them.

They both sat down in the chairs, pulling them opposite each other so that they could face one another.

"So where do you want to start?" Brittany said, leaning a little forward in her chair. Santana could tell she was tense, and she didn't want to make it worse with the sarcastic comments waiting to spring from her mouth. Santana leant back a little in her chair.

"These therapy sessions – what were they like?" She thought she would start off on something other than the pregnancy. Even though the two topics kind of went hand in hand.

Santana could see the relief that flowed from the blonde. Her eyebrows relaxed and her eyes grew softer.

"Well they weren't fun-" Santana almost scoffed but held it back; she waited in silence for Brittany to continue.

"-they were really bad San. All I kept wishing for was to make my parents happy. My parents kept talking about the Kinsey Report saying that it shows how people in their lifetime can change their sexual orientation. But Dr. Troop kept going through the different steps with me. The first step was to take part in things deemed a woman's role. So my mum was encouraging me to cook, clean and sew. I hated it, I could barely leave the house I felt like I was chained to it."

That statement alone made Santana feel sick. It just reaffirmed her hatred of Lima, of parents and of the small mindedness that seemed to circulate in that place.

"The second step was to get rid of any activities that were seen as masculine. So the motocross had to go, and just in case - my parents said I couldn't go to dance anymore. I cried so much San, it was like they were taking me apart piece by piece. I didn't go to school, I had a tutor come to the house – the only people I saw were Puck and Quinn."

Santana raised an eyebrow at that.

"Quinn?"

"I saw her at church. That was a big part of my therapy – praying for God's forgiveness and the strength to battle the deeply sinful parts of me. I could only make contact with Puck in a _romantic_ way. My mom even set topics for us to talk about and we had to talk in front of her to make sure that we didn't get off topic and start talking about motocross or football stuff like that. My mom was thankful for Quinn, because she was such a heterosexual woman I had to _learn_ from her. Copy the things she would do or say. I think it annoyed Quinn a lot to be honest."

Brittany remembered when she literally would repeat every single word Quinn would say, and then she would go quiet and just stare at Brittany her whole demeanour would change.

"I attended church a lot more, joining a woman's church group and sit there and talk about how great God was and discuss how He made a difference in our lives."

Santana smirked. "How do you know God isn't a woman?" She had to say something derogatory. Brittany just rolled her eyes.

"Do you want to know the rest of the steps I had to do?" Santana quietened down and just nodded, indicating for Brittany to continue.

"I had to attend group therapy sessions, where we would have to talk about our progress and any slip-ups back into homosexuality."

"And were there?" Santana was curious to know.

"Many times. Mainly I would tell them about the dreams I kept having." Brittany looked down and started twisting her fingers together, she went quiet for a moment and then looked back up staring right into the Latina's eyes.

"Dreams about you. Some were innocent, some were ... not so innocent." Santana let out an involuntary smile.

"I then had to become less assertive with guys, well with Puck really. So I had to let him pursue me. It was so stupid; it just didn't make any sense. I had to basically engage completely in a heterosexual relationship with Puck who I didn't really want. He played along for my sake, just to make things easier on me."

For once, Santana actually felt herself softening towards Puck thinking that maybe he had changed a bit. Not completely, but that he had grown a conscience.

"My parents were trying to pressure us into marriage, but his mom outright said no I was so grateful to her you have no idea. I think Puck was thankful too. We both couldn't imagine anything worse than being tied to each other in that way."

The nauseous feeling was back, Santana couldn't even bear to think about Brittany being married with a kid. The image didn't sit well at all with her.

"So what happened then?" Santana became acutely aware of how far forward she was sitting in her chair and edging closer to Brittany all the while she spoke.

"It didn't work; as the weeks went by I didn't really speak. When I wasn't going through these steps I was in my bed not wanting to leave or move. I would always think about you San, sitting about wondering if you had moved on quickly and found someone who could be the right person for you. If I'm being honest I pictured you turning down girl after girl because of me. But deep down I knew that it probably wouldn't be true?" The last part came out as more of a question and Santana had to look away.

"San? Is there someone else?" Brittany felt fear shiver throughout her body. The lack of a response was scaring her, leaving her to her own imagination.

"No I don't have anyone else. But when I first got here, I did meet someone. Sara. She er, well I worked with her. But it wasn't a relationship. It was meaningless." Why should I feel guilty? Santana thought idly, it's not as if we were together.

Brittany felt her heartbreak a little, but knew that it was unjustified.

"Ok-" Brittany eyed Santana closely. "-but you're not together now?"

"No" Santana said firmly. "Definitely not."

Still that seed of uncertainty was planted firmly within Brittany's mind. She wondered if this girl – if _Sara_ meant anything to the Latina. But before she could ask Santana fired another question at her.

"When-" Santana licked her lips, they suddenly felt dry. She wasn't sure if she should ask about the miscarriage and against the part of her mind that was screaming don't, she did anyway.

"When did you miscarry?"

And there it was - the question about a part of her life that she really didn't want to relive again.

"San I really don't want to go into detail about it right now. Can we talk about everything but... please?"

Santana could see the pain she had unearthed in Brittany's eyes; she wished she hadn't even opened her mouth.

"Sure, I'm sorry Britt." She hung her head feeling a little dismayed; she finally felt the full impact of not staying in Lima. But she wasn't going to regret her decisions, but she did regret the hurt that Brittany had gone through – she had been a large part of that hurt.

"What are you thinking?" The blonde asked, unable to look into Santana's eyes to gauge where she was at emotionally.

"How much hurt you've been through, and the suffering."

Brittany offered her pinky and Santana took it gratefully.

"I wasn't there for you though San. We weren't there for each other." Santana fought against her natural instinct to protest how she was the one who was upset more, but really she couldn't find any justification for a claim like that.

"So what do you want Brittany?" Santana's tone was harsh but she instantly softened it. "I mean out of this." She gestured between the two of them.

"Santana you know what I want. I want to change the mistakes that I've made. You know that I want to be with you – in any way you'll have me." Santana tightened her pinky around Brittany's as she spoke the same words that Santana had uttered a year ago.

"Britt-" she sighed. "I – I..."


	18. Chapter 18

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, I do however own this story, I'm just borrowing the characters.**

A/N: Well that was the longest few weeks ever! Sorry for not updating sooner, but I've been in emotional turmoil with my other ff all this time. Please forgive me and please review. This ff will be drawing to a close in the next few chapters and I'll be sad to say goodbye.

Please review!

* * *

><p>"I don't know if I can"<p>

She could see the look on Brittany's face fall, but she also couldn't bring herself to lie.

"Right now I really don't know."

Brittany had taken it as a sign of rejection, she was meeting yet another stone wall set up by Santana.

"San I am asking you give me a chance. Just one chance and if you don't want me then I'll accept it." Brittany loosens her little finger and stares expectantly at Santana.

"Fine." She says and Brittany doesn't want to make a big deal out of it. If she makes a big deal out of it she knows it will just panic Santana more.

"Great," Brittany beams, "when, where and what time?" The words rush from her lips and it almost sounds like one long word. Santana's mouth twists up into a smile, but when she realises what she is doing her face drops into neutral territory. It's almost as if she is punishing herself for being happy.

"You decide Britt." The nickname causes Brittany to smile a little more. "And you can text me the details ok? Here let me write my number down." Santana gets up to locate some paper, but as she turns around Brittany is already thrusting her phone in her direction.

As Santana taps in her number she notices Brittany's leg bouncing up and down in nervousness or excitement she couldn't be sure.

She hands the phone back and gives another small smile as their fingers brush in the exchange. As she stands up Santana can't help but emphasise her point.

"Britt, this doesn't necessarily mean anything ok? This is just to see. So please don't build your hopes up." She sees the blonde scrunch her face up and she wants to take back what she has just said. But if Santana does that, she would be lying. What she had just said doesn't make it any less true and she wasn't going to change the reality of it to keep Brittany happy.

"Ok." Brittany says hesitantly, she knows Santana only said things like that to save disappointment and hurt. But sometimes it was almost as if she said it to convince herself of something rather than stating a truth.

"I'll text you ok?" Santana nods as Brittany gets to her feet another smile taking over her features. Brittany's mind is buzzing with different scenarios but then realises that she isn't sure what there is to do in the area.

They both make their way over to the door and there's an odd kind of tension between them.

"I'll see you soon." Santana says with finality.

"I will see you soon." Before Santana even registers what is happening, Brittany leans forward and plants a kiss on her cheek. She can't deny the flutter in her chest as Brittany pulls away. With one last cheeky smile Brittany disappears out of the doorway and down the stairs.

Santana remains in the doorway wondering if this was a good idea at all. For the first time in a long while she feels the need to talk to someone.

The only person she really had was Melissa. She immediately grasped her thick winter coat and began her walk down to Melissa's house.

* * *

><p>"... so that's everything. Brittany was pregnant, was in therapy, didn't tell me about it until now when she turns up with Puck and here I am not sure if I'm making the right decision." Santana was nervous and had rambled her way through their entire conversation.<p>

Melissa sat there unmoving, mouth slightly open just staring. Melissa hadn't known a single thing about Santana before, she wasn't exactly the sharing type and now she had been hit with all of this information – it was overwhelming to say the least.

Her silence was unnerving Santana.

"Say something." Santana says slightly bashfully, she wonders if it was the right thing to do unloading all of this onto her. But she needed another perspective, a sign that this was all a bad idea.

"Let me get this straight-" Melissa pauses contemplating her next words. "Firstly, you're a lesbian?" Santana nods.

"Your ex girlfriend turns up out of the blue after all this time to explain why she chose to stay and let you leave?" Santana nods again.

"She brings the guy who got her pregnant with her here, tells you she miscarried and that she tried to not be gay but couldn't because of you." Santana nods her head a little more slowly afraid of what she's about to say.

"Santana that's just- it's just all kinds of fucked up." With those words Santana visibly deflates. She hoped and yet feared this reaction. She wanted a justifiable reason for why she shouldn't go out on a date with Brittany.

"It's so messed up, don't do it Santana. It's going to mess you up. Just move on for both of your sakes." She doesn't know where it comes from but Santana feels this overwhelming need to defend Brittany.

"You don't know her Melissa she's just-"

"I know I don't know her, but I trust in what you've just told me." Santana goes to interject but Melissa carries on.

"Tell me was there any point during your relationship where you had a happy moment?" Just like that an abundance of happy memories flood Santana's memory.

Days at the park, nights spent steaming up car windows or just talking about inane things. Her chest tightens as she remembers one moment in particular.

The moment when she realised she was in love with Brittany. It was equal parts exhilarating and terrifying and she hadn't felt that way up until Brittany had reappeared.

"Yes" she replies softly, but she catches the frown on Melissa's face.

"Tell me about it then." She challenges and Santana is hesitant to accept.

* * *

><p><em>The sky was aflame, reds and oranges mingled effortlessly, intertwining deliciously like lovers. Santana was half in shadow, as was Brittany. But the other half of her was golden in this setting. She could feel the heat, the burning longing for them to be complete. They were outside, completely alone staring at the point where the water met the sky in a perfect union. She could see the spark in her eyes as she got closer, the concentrated dose of ardour accumulating there as Santana kissed her flesh, her hand stroked down Brittany's body and between her supple breasts. Her fingers trailed further and further, eliciting a sound of gratification.<em>

"_How can I ever make you mine?"_

_But she knew how. Santana was doing it right that moment, as she loosened the material from Brittany's body, unfastening the binds from her skin. She was touching her in a knowing way, causing her to tremble._

_Small sounds and murmurs punctuated the rhythmic movements of their yearning, Santana teased her and Brittany allowed her. It propelled her to new dizzying heights of satisfaction. It was a new world of sensuality, as her leisurely touches caused her to become overly heated and flushed. Santana could feel the effects she was having on her._

_The sensory overload was too much to bear, as Brittany tried in vain to focus purely on her. But the perfection of the moment wasn't wasted on either of them. Santana was also flushed as she stripped herself of her shirt._

_They spent hours lying side by side, partially obscured in the dying hours of day just feeling each other. They explored every inch in every conceivable way; with moist tongues and pliable lips and wanting hands. Each bestowing upon the other a new erotic experience, until they peaked, writhing unashamedly._

_Somewhere in the distance church bells rang, faint and hollow as the two lovers put their clothes back on, sharing a long deep kiss afterwards. Although temporarily satisfied, it still left them both eager for that experience again. That moment would be etched permanently into their memories, serving as a sexual pinnacle to aspire to in the future._

_Brittany checked her watch, noting that it was 5 minutes beyond the time she should have been home._

"_Meet me here tomorrow ok? Same time" she said as she got up dusting off her jeans. Santana stood up straight away and kissed her neck slowly and softly, it was her silent plea for Brittany to not go home._

"_Tomorrow" she breathed out, her chest heaving with exaggerated breaths as she made no move to leave. Santana smiled into her neck as she kissed along the curves down to her collarbone._

"_Bye" Brittany uttered, the word sounding strangled._

"_Wait" Santana said. Brittany hesitated and then turned back around._

"_Britt, I-" Santana stared so deeply into Brittany's eyes that it made her want to look away and stay staring all at once. She was confused by the look she saw on Santana's face._

"_Britt I love you. I will love you for the rest of my life. I'm just-" Santana runs her fingers through her hair in frustration unable to find the right words. "Brittany Susan Pierce. I am in love with you."_

_The vulnerability Brittany saw there made her chest pound._

"_I love you too San. So much."_

* * *

><p>Santana doesn't divulge the entire situation to Melissa but glosses over the more intimate aspects that led up to her declaring her love sincerely to Brittany.<p>

"But do you love her still? After everything you've gone through together and apart?" Melissa asks but she is almost certain of the answer.

"We have been through a lot. It's hard for me not to love her." Melissa expels a breath but Santana continues.

"But sometimes loving someone isn't enough." Melissa continues to be silent as the heaviness of Santana's words hang in the air.

She's repeating it over and over in her mind. Santana was confused by what she is feeling. One moment she doesn't know if she wants to repair their relationship and then the next moment she is defending Brittany and saying she loves her.

She just didn't know what to do or say anymore.

How can she know for certain if this time would be right? But she wouldn't, no-one could and it seemed Santana was searching for answers that nobody could know or give.


End file.
